(The below incident is totally true, with no exaggeration or embellishment. At least, this is the way I see it.)
“Well, are we going to get up?"
I rolled onto my back and squinted to see the time.
Jan paused a few minutes and asked again, this time rephrasing the question but with the same intention, “Is there any place you want to go?”
“Jan, it’s 5 am. The only place I want to go is the bathroom. Do you really want to get up and hit the stores?”
On any normal day Jan wouldn’t be asking a question at five in the morning but this was the day after Thanksgiving, the day referred to as Black Friday. It’s become such a part of American tradition that the word black is even capitalized when this day is mentioned.
I sat up and turned toward her, “Where would you want to go?”
“We at least need to go to Fred Meyer for the sock sale.”
We always go to Fred Meyer on Black Friday. Hey, their socks are on sale for half price until 11 and, they give out free donut holes.
“And there are a few other places I’d like to go to.”
I again looked at the time. It was 5:05 and the sun wouldn’t even be up for another two hours.
I learned long ago to let Jan have her way. It helps solidify the marriage. We actually didn’t get out of the house until around 7:30. After scraping ice off the windshield I hopped into the car and started it up.
“OK, so where’s the first stop?”
Jan hesitated, then softly whispered “I’d like to go to JoAnn’s.”
I grabbed the steering wheel in a choke hold, “Noooo! Anywhere but there!”
JoAnn wasn’t a relative, it was a fabric store, and if you know me you know my feelings about fabric stores. Being locked in a fabric store for all eternity is my vision of hell. That’s why I try to be the best I can be in this life. I may even have mentioned to Jan once or twice that to prove my love for her I’d go to hell and back, if that’s what it took to hang onto her. But that was just symbolism, I didn’t mean it literally. But, like I said, to solidify the marriage we started off toward JoAnn’s.
JoAnn’s is in the same shopping center as Best Buy so after fighting off several other cars I won a parking spot. Jan jumped out of the car. I had to run to keep up with her. Then… I walked through the gates of hell. I wondered if Hades had automatic sliding glass doors.
The store was packed, mostly with women, some still in pajama bottoms and slippers. (*the previous description is not meant to indicate that the fire and brimstone place is only filled with women) It seemed like an Easter egg hunt, the ladies scurrying up and down the aisles looking for the prized sale items.
I passed one poor fellow, waiting in the fabric cutting line with his wife. I patted him on the shoulder, “You are a very brave man to be here.” I must have startled him back from the happy place his wandering mind had escaped to, “Yeah, how you doin’? Good to see you.”
I pulled out my phone and began dialing.
“Who are you calling?” Jan asked suspiciously.
“I’m phoning a friend.”
Satisfied but still mystified she turned back to her search.
I was relieved when a voice answered. “Hey Dad, What are you doing?”
I had called Jordan since he was in the Eastern Time zone and I knew he would be up and about.
“Help me….”
“I can try. We’re in the car driving to get tickets to a movie.”
I held the phone closer to my mouth, “You need to help me get outta here.”
“Where are you exactly?”
“I’m being held captive in a fabric store.”
“Hey, what time is it over there?”
I glanced at my watch. “It’s 7:45.”
Jordan’s voice began to pitch higher in unbelief, “You mean, you guys got up early, on Black Friday, and went to a fabric store?”
At this time I could hear Christina begin to laugh.
“Yes,” I replied sheepishly.
Jordan saw I was down and took another punch, showing no sympathy. “How long did you camp outside the store waiting for it to open?”
I heard Christina and Jordan both laughing now.
I went silent as a woman walked closely by, checking items off the advertising pre-print she carried like a score card.
“Well Dad, what I do when Christina goes into a store like that I find somewhere else to go.”“I’ve already been to all my happy places.”
“No, I don’t mean mentally. Like take off to Best Buy or somewhere until Mom finishes. We’re here, gotta go. Good luck, Dad.”
I hung up, losing hope in any help coming to my aid.
‘That’s it,” Jan popped. “Let’s get in the checkout line.”
I stood motionless for a moment in disbelief.
Jan tugged firmly on my arm, “Come on! The line isn’t getting any shorter.”
I counted 20 women waiting impatiently to check out. The line funneled everyone into one long chute. A woman in front asked about where else we’d been to. She rattled off several stores she’d added to her bargain conquest list.
I have to admit that JoAnn’s does have one of the best candy assortments displayed on shelves in the checkout line. Some classic candy bars I don’t see around much. The strategy was the candy was either a bribe or a reward for children and husbands who’ve endured to the end.
Women flocked to this store because of a coupon offering a large discount on all purchases. The cashiers loudly told those checking out how much they had saved.
“You just saved $30!” one cashier shouted.
“Wow, thank you!” one lucky customer excitedly answered.
The cashier then boasted, “One woman I checked out today saved $2,600.”
I turned to Jan, shaking my head, “How do you spend that much money to get a $2,600 savings?”
Finally one of the cashiers waved us over, “I’ll check you out.”
Once freed from the gates of perdition I paused, deeply inhaling the chilled morning air, relishing my emancipation.
A yank on my shirt sleeve startled me from my dream.
“Come on!” Jan said with breathless excitement. “Craft Warehouse has something I need to look at.”
“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”
