I Got Physical

Yeah, I know…everyone has their own horrible stories to tell about their visit to dentist or doctor’s offices. You know what I’m talkin’ about; the dentist drilled so deeply into my tooth I thought he was trying to rescue Chilean miners. Or, the doctor probed me in places not even Homeland Security TSA’s would go.

I’ve even described some of my own experiences on this blog. Most based on truth but sometimes mildly seasoned exaggeration added. I sincerely apologize for the repeat performance but I thought what happened at my physical exam last week was pretty humorous, and, for the most part, absolutely true. That’s something you don’t get very often.

During my annual physical the doctor always leaves some time for me to share my little aches and body gripes. His usual response is, “That’s nothing to be concerned about.” I don’t know why I bother to share.

As some of you know I take a medication that’s purpose is to slow the electric impulses of the brain. I told the doctor I’d love to get off this stuff because I don’t know if my memory clog is a result of this medication or if it’s just me.

The doctor told me they could do a simple memory test that would only take a few minutes. I agreed to that along with a tetanus booster shot.

A few minutes later the nurse comes in, gives me the shot, then sits in front of the computer. In case I’d forgotten she again told me this was a simple memory test that would take just a few minutes, and some of the questions would be very mundane.

The test began:

Nurse: “What day is it?”

I moved me head a little forward, and then tilted it up, looking at the ceiling.” That’s a real good question”, I said, stalling until I could figure this one out. “Monday! It’s Monday!” I wanted to high five the nurse and give her a chest bump like excited football players do but I’m sure the test would then immediately be over.

The nurse continued as she stared at the computer screen, asking a barrage of questions about the year, what building was I in, my wife’s name…

Then came a little harder question:

“I’m going to tell you a word, she explained, “then I want you to spell it backwards.”

All my life I’ve had difficultly spelling words forward so this was going to be a challenge.

She said the word and after a brief hesitation I replied, “d…e…l…l..o…r”

“Please spell that again.” She sounded a little concerned.

Rolled wasn’t a difficult word so I spelled it backwards again.. “d…e…l…l…o…r”

She turned to me, and with a firm voice told me, “The word is world, not rolled. Spell world backwards.”

I rolled my eyes and felt like an idiot.

A few questions later she handed me a pencil and some paper. “Ok, this is the last thing I’ll have you do” she instructed, “I want you to draw me two intersecting pentagons.”

I stared at the paper for a moment and began to draw a ten sided geometric shape. “I’m a little embarrassed “ I admitted to the nurse. “It’s been awhile since I’ve had geography. How many sides does a pentagon have?”

The nurse’s forehead furrowed, “ I’m sure you mean geometry and a pentagon has five sides.”

I could feel my bald head turning hues of bright red as I focused on the drawing. My pentagons looked like the wheels on the Flintstone’s car.

I didn’t have the courage to ask the nurse how I did as she walked out of the room.

She returned a few minutes later with a bag of saline solution and a device that looked like a turkey baster. “The doctor wants your right ear irrigated.”

I’m sure the notes on my record read: Gave memory test, couldn’t tell if he has memory loss, hearing problems or if he’s a smart aleck.

I think I’m changing doctors.

The Fabric of Black Friday

(The below incident is totally true, with no exaggeration or embellishment. At least, this is the way I see it.)

“Well, are we going to get up?"

I rolled onto my back and squinted to see the time.

Jan paused a few minutes and asked again, this time rephrasing the question but with the same intention, “Is there any place you want to go?”

“Jan, it’s 5 am. The only place I want to go is the bathroom. Do you really want to get up and hit the stores?”

On any normal day Jan wouldn’t be asking a question at five in the morning but this was the day after Thanksgiving, the day referred to as Black Friday. It’s become such a part of American tradition that the word black is even capitalized when this day is mentioned.

I sat up and turned toward her, “Where would you want to go?”

“We at least need to go to Fred Meyer for the sock sale.”

We always go to Fred Meyer on Black Friday. Hey, their socks are on sale for half price until 11 and, they give out free donut holes.

“And there are a few other places I’d like to go to.”

I again looked at the time. It was 5:05 and the sun wouldn’t even be up for another two hours.

I learned long ago to let Jan have her way. It helps solidify the marriage. We actually didn’t get out of the house until around 7:30. After scraping ice off the windshield I hopped into the car and started it up.

“OK, so where’s the first stop?”

Jan hesitated, then softly whispered “I’d like to go to JoAnn’s.”

I grabbed the steering wheel in a choke hold, “Noooo! Anywhere but there!”

JoAnn wasn’t a relative, it was a fabric store, and if you know me you know my feelings about fabric stores. Being locked in a fabric store for all eternity is my vision of hell. That’s why I try to be the best I can be in this life. I may even have mentioned to Jan once or twice that to prove my love for her I’d go to hell and back, if that’s what it took to hang onto her. But that was just symbolism, I didn’t mean it literally. But, like I said, to solidify the marriage we started off toward JoAnn’s.

JoAnn’s is in the same shopping center as Best Buy so after fighting off several other cars I won a parking spot. Jan jumped out of the car. I had to run to keep up with her. Then… I walked through the gates of hell. I wondered if Hades had automatic sliding glass doors.

The store was packed, mostly with women, some still in pajama bottoms and slippers. (*the previous description is not meant to indicate that the fire and brimstone place is only filled with women) It seemed like an Easter egg hunt, the ladies scurrying up and down the aisles looking for the prized sale items.

I passed one poor fellow, waiting in the fabric cutting line with his wife. I patted him on the shoulder, “You are a very brave man to be here.” I must have startled him back from the happy place his wandering mind had escaped to, “Yeah, how you doin’? Good to see you.”

I saw several other men with hypnotic glazed stares, being pulled by the unseen tethers of womanly wiles, up and down the aisles.

I pulled out my phone and began dialing.

“Who are you calling?” Jan asked suspiciously.

“I’m phoning a friend.”

Satisfied but still mystified she turned back to her search.

I was relieved when a voice answered. “Hey Dad, What are you doing?”

I had called Jordan since he was in the Eastern Time zone and I knew he would be up and about.

“Help me….”

“I can try. We’re in the car driving to get tickets to a movie.”

I held the phone closer to my mouth, “You need to help me get outta here.”

“Where are you exactly?”

“I’m being held captive in a fabric store.”

“Hey, what time is it over there?”

I glanced at my watch. “It’s 7:45.”

Jordan’s voice began to pitch higher in unbelief, “You mean, you guys got up early, on Black Friday, and went to a fabric store?”

At this time I could hear Christina begin to laugh.

“Yes,” I replied sheepishly.

Jordan saw I was down and took another punch, showing no sympathy. “How long did you camp outside the store waiting for it to open?”

I heard Christina and Jordan both laughing now.

I went silent as a woman walked closely by, checking items off the advertising pre-print she carried like a score card.

“Well Dad, what I do when Christina goes into a store like that I find somewhere else to go.”

“I’ve already been to all my happy places.”

“No, I don’t mean mentally. Like take off to Best Buy or somewhere until Mom finishes. We’re here, gotta go. Good luck, Dad.”

I hung up, losing hope in any help coming to my aid.

‘That’s it,” Jan popped. “Let’s get in the checkout line.”

I stood motionless for a moment in disbelief.

Jan tugged firmly on my arm, “Come on! The line isn’t getting any shorter.”

I counted 20 women waiting impatiently to check out. The line funneled everyone into one long chute. A woman in front asked about where else we’d been to. She rattled off several stores she’d added to her bargain conquest list.

I have to admit that JoAnn’s does have one of the best candy assortments displayed on shelves in the checkout line. Some classic candy bars I don’t see around much. The strategy was the candy was either a bribe or a reward for children and husbands who’ve endured to the end.

Women flocked to this store because of a coupon offering a large discount on all purchases. The cashiers loudly told those checking out how much they had saved.

“You just saved $30!” one cashier shouted.

“Wow, thank you!” one lucky customer excitedly answered.

The cashier then boasted, “One woman I checked out today saved $2,600.”

I turned to Jan, shaking my head, “How do you spend that much money to get a $2,600 savings?”

Finally one of the cashiers waved us over, “I’ll check you out.”

Once freed from the gates of perdition I paused, deeply inhaling the chilled morning air, relishing my emancipation.

A yank on my shirt sleeve startled me from my dream.

“Come on!” Jan said with breathless excitement. “Craft Warehouse has something I need to look at.”

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!”

The Scale of Pain

The automatic doors of the emergency room opened as I stumbled into the lobby.“Hey! Hey! I need some help!” Slumping into a nearby chair, a nurse walked over with a clipboard.

“What’s wrong? What’s the matter with you?"

“I fell and think I broke my arm."

"OK, wait here. I’ll bump you up in line."

Soon the nurse came pushing a wheel chair my direction. “Here, let me help.”She put her hand under my arm to help steady me.

“AHHH, that’s the arm that’s broken!”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” She moved to the other side and helped slide me into the chair.

“Let’s get you into an examination room.”

I sat in the wheel chair for several minutes before a doctor parted the curtain.

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I fell and think I broke my arm.”

“Which one?”

“The one I’m holding.. “

He took the arm and raised it slightly.

Aaaahhhh!

“Does that hurt?”

“No, I scream like that all the time in hospitals!”

“OK, I need to assess your pain level. On a scale of 1 to 10, what level is your pain?”

“What?”

“On a scale of…"

“I heard you, what does that even mean?”

“Well, if you think one is the lowest pain level, and ten is the most excruciating pain…”

“I don’t understand. I don’t know what a ten feels like. What’s a one supposed to be?”

“Maybe a pin prick could be a level one. It sort of depends on you.”

"OK, so, paper cuts make my entire hand throb. To me, that could be pretty high up the scale- Then a broken arm would be off the charts.”

“That’s not possible in this scenario. Pain can only register as high as a ten."

“So…what if I told you this was a level ten pain?”

“I’d give you more pain killer.”

“All right then, this is a ten. Now, bring on the drugs.”

“Before we do that there are a few questions I need to ask. Are you allergic to any medication? If so, on a scale of one to ten how severe is the reaction?"

“I die.”

“I’ll put that as an eight.”

“Wouldn’t death be a ten?”

“Not necessarily. It’s said there are worse things than death.”

“Oh, fine.”

“I need to have an MRI taken of the break. On a scale of one to ten, what’s your level of panic you experience when going through the coffin like tube?”

“I’d say that’s a five.”

“So, you experience average panic?”

“I guess so.”

“One more question before we proceed.’

“Promise me this will be the last one.”

“On a scale of one to ten, what is your level of embarrassment you experience walking through the office wearing one of these gowns that exposes your backside?”

“Where'd you learn about this one to ten scale business?”

“In medical school.”

“Well…on a scale of one to ten, how would you rate yourself as a doctor?’

“Based on comparisons with others, I’d say I’d be pushing a three.”

“A three? Are you crazy?”

“No, I’m a doctor.”

“On a scale of one to 10, what’s the likelihood of getting me outta here?”

“On a scale of one to ten, what’s your ability to pay for these services?”

“I’m at a ten in wanting to cinch your tie around your neck!”

“Hmm…you’re the tenth person who’s said that today.”

“Want to know on a scale of one to ten how I’d recommend this place to anyone in the universe! It’s a negative billion!”

“That can’t be sir. The scale only goes to ten.”

“Ahhhhhhh!”

Seriously Cereal

To cut into the huge cold cereal market, generic major distributors, through testing various blends of grains and sugars, have tried to come as close to the originals as consumers will accept. Names of the original cereals have been trade marked so the counterfeit cereals need to be called something. I can imagine marketers sitting in sterile boardrooms with bowls of the copy cat cereal sitting in front of them trying to come up with an identity. Looking at the names they came up with I think they surveyed first graders.

So, to test your cereal savvy I’ve created a list of a few of these “off” brands. See if you can identify the real, original cereal that the mock cereal is trying to imitate. Some of the cereal names seem to have drifted into the “public domain” category such as Bran Flakes. I’ve made some of these pretty easy. So, test your skills. The original cereal brand is listed below. I don’t mean to ruin anything but my favorite name is “Apple Dapples.” It’s just fun to say. In fact I’ve been saying it over and over again…apple dapples, apple dapples, apple dapples…. Good luck, yeah good luck getting apple dapples out of your head.

1) Golden Puffs 2) Honey & Nut Blenders

3) Berry Colossal Crunch 4) Blue Berry Muffin Tops

5) Crispy Oat Squares 6) Cocoa Crunchies

7) Frosted Fruit Rings 8) Apple Dapples

9) Golden Corn Nuggets 10) Cini-Mini Crunch

11) Magic Stars 12) Crunchy Rice Squares

13) Crispy Berry Crunch 14) Crisp ‘n Fruity Rice

15) Chipmates 16) Cocoa Roos 17) Honey Crisp Medley

18) Nutty Nuggets 19) Frosted Mini Spooners

20) Crispy Rice 21) Active Lifestyle 22) Shining Stars

23) Alien 24) Hexa Grains 25) Fruit & Toasted O’s

26) Corn Flakes 27) Crispy Rice 28) Wheat Pockets

29) Rice Pockets 30) Oats & More 31) Oat Wise

32) Golden Puffs 33) Berry Crackles 34) Cinnamon Toasters

35) Tootie Fruities 36) Marshmallow Mateys

37) Dino Bytes 38) Honey Nut Scooters

39) Silly Circles 40) Frosted Flakes

41) Marshmallow Magic 42) Honey & Nut

43) Cocoa Nuggets 44) Cinnamon Crunch

1) Honey Smacks/Honey Puffs; 2) Honey Nut Cheerios; 3) Captain Crunchberries;

4) Blue Berry Muffin; 5) Life; 6) Cocoa Krispies; 7) Fruit Loops;

8) Apple Jacks; 9) Corn Pops; 10) Cinnamon Toast Crunch;

11) Lucky Charms; 12) Life; 13) Captain Crunch Crunchberries;

14) Fruity Pebbles; 15) Cookie Crisp; 16) Cocoa Puffs;

17) Honey Bunches of Oats; 18) Grape Nuts;

19) Frosted Mini Wheats; 20) Rice Krispies; 21) Special K;

22) Lucky Charms; 23) Combo of Lucky Charms and Trix;

24) Crispix; 25) Fruit Loops; 26) Corn Flakes, duh;

27) Rice Krispies; 28) Wheat Chex; 29) Rice Chex;

30) Honey Bunches of Oats; 31) Life; 32) Honey Crisp/Honey Smacks;

33) Captain Crunch Crunchberries; 34) Cinnamon Toast Crunch;

35) Fruit Loops; 36) Lucky Charms; 37) Fruity Pebbles

38) Honey Nut Cheerios; 39) Fruit Loops;

40) Frosted Flakes, pretty smart answer; 41) Lucky Charms;

42) Honey Nut Cheerios; 43) Cocoa Pebbles;

44) Cinnamon Toast Crunch