“Trite words are safe words”

We’re all guilty of it. We use phrases that have become cliché and really make no sense if we stop and think about it. We rely on these worn out expressions primarily because we’re either too lazy or uncreative to think of a different way to communicate our thoughts. So, in my opinion, here are a few phrases that can be better conveyed. Some of my suggestions will make you appear brilliant, and others, may get you in trouble.

Worn out term: “It is what it is….”

Often used when we’re informed of some blunder that’s already occurred. Usually accompanied with a shoulder shrug and raised eyebrows when stated. Instead, try these:

”There’s no control over what did or what is about to happen”; “We can’t do anything about it now”; “We’re doomed”; “Oh well”; “So what?”; “Like I care”; “That’s the way it goes”; “We’re going to be staked out in the desert and consumed by fire ants because of this.”

Worn out term: “Do you know what I mean?

We used to ask “you know?” at the end of a sentence as a filler while we formulated our next words. We really aren’t seeking feedback or testing the listener’s knowledge. Usually a phrase condenses over time. However, this term has expanded. There are better ways to express “do you know what I mean?’ Here they are:

“Do you comprehend that which I’m speaking?”; “Have you any thoughts regarding my end of the conversation?”; “Do you understand my linguistically brilliantly developed commentary?”; “Do you have any clue what I’m talking about?”; “ Can I have some feedback?”; “Nod your head once in a while so I know you’re awake?”; “Are you dead?”; “Can you feel the whispered vibrations of airwaves issuing from my pursing lips?”

Worn out term: “think outside the box.”

In an effort to encourage us to expand our thinking and to come up with more creative ways of doing things we’re often told to “Think outside the box”. What’s funny is the suggestion to think beyond the box is so unimaginative we are actually confined inside the box. So, I’ve left the box and wandered around the perimeters. Here’s a few alternatives:

“Think beyond boundaries”; “We need to think beyond the endless space of imagination”; “Think past the end of our nose”; “We must conceive that which may appear to be unattainable”; “We must creatively ponder about endless possibilities”; “We need to scribble outside the lines”; “Embrace the idea that there are other answers past our own.” “We need to ponder beyond yonder.” (That’s my personal favorite. Conveys the idea with few words. And, it rhymes!)

Finally, I come to business corporate jargon. In October, 2010 President Obama signed into law the “United States Plain Writing Law.” It requires all federal agencies to write in plain English instead of using judicial and legal terminology. It would be great to expand that idea to presidents and CEO’s of major corporations. Below is a sentence that could be uttered in any boardroom or press release from business leaders. I haven’t heard these words strung together as I’ve done but many of these terms have been used in various meetings. To be straight up I’m not sure if some of these words actually exist but, you’ll get my point.

“Let’s segue into the inevitable crevasse of integrated solutions with a key enabler that is restructuring oblated circular nuances that environ colaterated attainment of focused astuteness forged to assay synergistically monetized core competencies.”

Meaning: all your jobs are being outsourced to India

Have a great day! And remember to think outside the box, if you know what I mean, because after all, it is what it is.

Sleepless in Medford

It’s 2 am, Thursday morning. My fingers feel like slugs sliming across the sidewalk. My brain’s filled with cotton balls. My eyes sting because… they’re open. Later today I have one of those “procedures” I don’t usually discuss. Preparation for the testing requires me to be sleep deprived for my 12:30 appointment. By then I’ll be a zombie, bouncing off the hospital walls like a slow motion pinball.

The night is long so thought I’d watch some movies, search the web, run a few miles in my hooded sweatshirt. Probably not a good idea to be running through neighborhoods at 2 am in a hooded sweatshirt.

I turned to something easy. The TV. No wonder we sleep at night, there’s nothing on except paid programming, meaning hour long commercials selling products to the sleep deprived. I flicked through the TV listings provided by the Direct TV guide. Lots of these paid programs. I didn’t bother to look what the content of the program was so I drew my own conclusions from the titles. For example:

Magic Jack I thought was a story about an illusionist that makes your money disappear.

There were a few shows on babies; “Your Baby Can Read.” I think there was a recent article on this, declaring the commercial to be deceptive. Why do you want a baby to read? Don’t understand that one. If you have a problem with that there was the listing that was too long for the TV grid. It only stated, “Baby Bullet.” I was shocked at this one but discovered it’s an appliance that can make baby food. Why make parents whip up baby food? If baby can read have him review the instructions and puree the fruit and veggies.

Other programs taught “Kill Germs with Steam.” Steam works on ants too. I’ve done this one before. I could “Quit Smoking Today,” “Quit Your Job,” or have “Wealth Without Risk.

I could be instructed on “Cleaning Made Easy.” The “Spinning & Weight Loss” program was interesting. I wondered how twirling in circles in the living room can shed some poundage . I tried this. I only got dizzy.

I thought about developing brain functions by watching “New Math, New Mind” followed by “Stop Memory Loss.” I wanted to watch this one but couldn’t remember what channel it was on.

Personal communication problems can be resolved instantly by watching “1 Minute Miracle Make Up.” I can use this. If groveling for forgiveness can be done in only a minute I’m all for it.

I didn’t need to watch “Easy Hair Removal.” Think I got that one figured out.

I got winded reading listings for “Zumba Dance.” “Turbo Fire Workout” where your pants are torched and you jump around trying to extinguish the flames. It may prove interesting exercising with crazies during the “Insanity Workout.” Then there was “Carving Abs in Bed.” No comment.

There were shows that preyed on our physical self-esteem issues: “Summer Sexy Abs,” “Sexy Swimsuit Body,” and “Look Sexy in Jeans.” This was appropriately followed by “Stop Your Anxiety and Depression.”

The last program offered “Free Slippers.” That reminded me I was sleep deprived. I want a doughnut.

We’re All Losers

Each March our family loves putting our brackets together for the NCAA Basketball Tournament. We trash talk, boast in our prognosticating abilities, and our overall college basketball savvy. That’s the boys anyway. An occasional “I told you so” outburst from one of the Smith family women folk goes viral after the men all chose a loser and she correctly named a winner on her bracket. Some of us read scouting reports, follow team stars and one of us even let a computer pick his list (who’s in your final four now, Jordan?) Some of us make several brackets; some of us more honorable only make one.

Now the final games haven’t been played yet. I believe the winner will come down to the score of the final game. (Mom. What were you thinking? 89 combined points is on the low side.) But usually the top winners in our pool are those who know the least about each team.

However, I take consolation that we aren’t the only ones who fail on choosing the final four and the ultimate winner.

An article reported that 99.9% of bracket makers worldwide had fallen out of the competition after the final eight teams played. Of the nearly 6 million who filled out brackets using ESPN’s Tournament Challenge only two picked all four teams playing in the finals. Of nearly 3 million who used Yahoo’s brackets only one- a school librarian chose the final quartet.

She’s from Salem, Oregon. This is her picking process. She likes the numbers seven and eleven so she leaned toward teams with that seed. She looked at mascots, the states the teams hailed from (some states she likes, others leave her underwhelmed.)

For the winner of the final four she likes UCONN because she and her boyfriend both had huskies as mascots at their respective alma maters. She also thinks UConn’s Huskie mascot resembles her 13 year old. I feel sorry for that kid.

Next year I’m revamping my selection method. Here’s a few of those things that will sway me in choosing one team over another:

I’ll take a look at the team’s cheerleaders. (I swear, Jan, this is for analytical purposes only.)

I’ll do a little research on the nationalities of the players on the teams and read to see if something is happening in their homeland that can cause distractions.

If players who were injured during the season and now sit in street clothes on the bench wearing white shirts and ties, I’ll give the team an edge.

I’ll choose letters from the Scrabble racks and see how many team names I can make. These will be favored.

And, if the school’s band has more tubas than trumpets I’ll lean towards them. Tubas are cool.

So, now’s the time to determine your winners for the 2012 tournament. You don’t even have to wait until those invited into the tournament are chosen. The only thing important in choosing a winner is not to include Ohio State in your final four. For some reason a Buckeye is not a team name that will win. On the other hand I’ll go with Delaware’s Blue Hens on any bracket.

The Real Hurt Locker

Whipping the bed covers up to my neck Jan yelled, “Hey! You just hit my eye with the blanket! You need to be more careful.”

I begged forgiveness telling her, “Honey, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. You’re the last person I’d want to hurt.”

She again reminded me to be careful, but that got me thinking. I’d told her she was the last person I’d want to hurt. Which, in my mind, means there’s someone at the opposite end of the who "I’d want to hurt” list.

Throughout the night I sorted through names and injustices inflicted on me. I thought of grade school bullies who wanted a piece of me but I was too fast to catch. I remembered high school jocks (or jerks) that tripped me in the hallway sending books and papers flying across the breezeway. I’ve been accused of wrongs I had no part of, been called names that can’t be repeated, and embarrassed by those who made light of my sometimes lack of coordination. Blood pressure mounted as I thought of a manager who failed to promote me; insightful college essays that should have deserved A’s, and teachers who misunderstood my creative answers on multiple choice tests.

My anger focused on the phlebotomist who wrapped the elastic bandage so tight around my arm that hair ripped from the roots while taking off the bandage. I remembered the lady who hit me with her car, ruining my bike, and the many Irish people who’d slammed doors in my face.

I was so caught up in the list that I turned from who’s to whats. The dog that sank teeth into my back, keys that stayed in the car after I locked the doors, and an omnipresent weed that’s seized my front lawn.

But, at the top of my who or what I’d like to hurt most are:

Corporate America that outsources customer service calls to Frank and Jane in India.

Crashing hard drives that evaporate years of work in an atomic instant.

And finally, that dang piece of Jan’s carry on luggage that rolled under my foot and threw me to the ground in front of a crowd of people in the passenger pick up area at the Rochester New York Airport. When Jan’s gone I go out in the garage and slam it to the ground, stomp and kick it then place it back on the shelf. And Jan wonders why this bag is wearing out.

Wrap up

I was scanning the obituaries in the paper as I ate lunch the other day with my best friend. I noted out loud to Jan that most obits included the hobbies and talents of the deceased. Knowing that there wouldn’t be much to write about me I asked her what she would say about my talents and interests in my obituary. She paused. I squirmed in my chair; if she had to think this long about my question it couldn’t be good.

Finally she said, “I’d say you were a devoted husband, father, and family man.”

“What? Did you just say that I voted? I said with astonishment. “Is that what you’d say, that I voted? Is that all that you could think of?"

She quickly restated that I was a devoted husband. Guess I didn’t hear clearly on that one.

It’s now become one of those jokes between she and I that make us giggle when I shake my head and say, “I voted. So, that’s all you can think of?”

This isn’t a very good transition but my A.D.D. has set in and I’ve gone off chasing balloons. So, now that the year is already 1/12 over I thought I’d take a moment and wrap up the past year.

It seems like there wasn’t much that happened during the prior year but Jan and I thought a little about that and discovered we actually did some great things. The year started with Jordan and family leaving after a great holiday season where all our kids came home. Jan and I took a quick trip to see Dad in the Bay area. In March Nicole and Noah came out for a visit. When Noah asked if we could wrestle, I felt I had arrived as a grandpa. I also felt a little bruised afterwards.

In April we struggled with career decisions and, looking back, for now any way, we made the correct choice. In June we visited Jordan and all the girls in Delaware. We went places we never had seen before and did things that helped us forget any struggles we had.

In June I also had a shift in church callings that required a lifestyle change.

In July we ate Crispy Cream donuts while sitting on blankets that lined the Provo 4th of July parade. We also brought Brittany and Maeli home to stay with us for a few weeks. At the end of the month Jan left with her sister Jeanne to take Brittany and Maeli home. That trip took nearly two weeks that included an extended expedition to Las Vegas and San Diego. It was memorable because Jan had fun, I didn’t. Later in September she took off again to Disneyland for a week. Jan had fun…I did not.

Not much more has changed.

The total ages of the cars we drive? 35

Total mileage for the two cars? 293,000

Total combined years of Jan and I? 85 (she claims she’s 29. I let her have this one.)

2011 will bring at least two grandsons joining the family this year. We have lots of plans.

What else will 2011 bring? What will be the combined years for Jan and I this new year? 86

Jan remains eternally locked in the age time warp.