Sleep Deprivation

A few days ago I heard a brief report on Paul Harvey ( it’s no longer really Paul Harvey, it’s his son trying to sound like his dad) that having too much light in a room when you are sleeping inhibits the production of melanoma. I thought, great, if that all it takes to prevent more skin cancer I’m going to Home Depot and get all the flood lights I can muster. I’d keep them on all night, thus reducing the chance for melanoma.

Then my wife informed me that Paul Harvey (not really him, I think he’s dead) didn’t say that light while sleeping reduces melanoma. What he said was that too much light in a room while sleeping inhibits the production of melatonin. Melanoma, melatonin, marshmallow, whatever…

According to the dictionary “melatonin is a hormone secreted by the pineal gland in the brain that helps regulate biological rhythms. It is best known for helping to regulate the body’s circadian sleep-wake cycle.” When I’ve been in Las Vegas I’ve heard those circadians and they can be pretty noisy. They make a noise that sounds like high voltage power lines. So if light affects melatonin levels in me and somehow it will help these insects quiet down, I can do my part to help tone down the bug induced noise pollution.

My wife just reminded me that those insects I’m talking about aren’t circadians, they are called cicadas. Good thing she’s around.

Back to the melatonin; the “not Paul Harvey” voice said that when we sleep our rooms need to be as dark as possible in order for this hormone to work its wonders in our systems. There should be no night-lights or light coming into our rooms from outside street lights, car lights, moonlight or delights. So, according to this we should all sleep in dungeons 12 feet underground with no windows or cracks in the mortar. Using a sleep mask was recommended.

When I was younger my room was illuminated by the street light outside. My innovative mother created a mask that I put over my eyes that blocked out the light and did help me sleep. The mask was a sock with the toe end connected to the opened end with a clothes pin. I’d then slip this over my head so it covered my eyes. The heel of the sock would sling down over the bridge of my nose for added light blocking protection. The only draw back was that I used the socks I had worn that day to create the mask. There were some unpleasant side effects such as catching athletes’ eye, stink eye, and sock fuzz ball eye. These ailments were all part of the danger. But, when I was a youngster I loved to live dangerously.

Actually, my thought for wearing the sleep mask was to ward off intruders. If a mask wearing burglar broke into my room I would sit up in bed with my mask on. The burglar would become confused because he thought he was the only one wearing a mask. In this dazed state he would stumble down the hall and out of the house. I never did see any burglars enter my room so this must have worked. Then again, I always kept the sock mask on.

Now, after the melatonin news flash, I looked around my room for offending light. I turned the overhead light off, figuring that to catch light it had to be dark. Yes, that does make sense.

When the light went off my room suddenly began to glow in green and red and it wasn’t Christmas. In fact the room began looking more like an airport runway at night. I was fearful that the midnight flight from San Francisco might be landing any minute. I counted 14 sources of light. There were several small green lights emitting from the computer modem, power strip and the cable box. Red lights blinked on and off on the charging telephone, answering machine and the caller ID system. Then there are the bright glowing lights from the digital clocks, one clock with red numbers, the other in blue numbers, all casting their eerie luminescence throughout the room.

There is no wonder I have trouble sleeping. If I want to keep the pineal gland producing melatonin so my rhythmic circadians can function I need to have a darker room. I think it’s time for a new sock mask.