Dollar Daze

Hors d’oeuvres

Prior to climbing into my personal slumber zone Jan and I kneel and have prayer together. We feel that’s the glue to our marriage. I get tired in the evening. Past 8:00 pm and the brain, body and spirit have entered an alternate reality. My eyeballs begin to wobble in their sockets, my breathing becomes heavy, speech becomes slurred and, occasionally, a few of the words formed by my lips may trail off into a soulful mumble.
When I pray there are certain items that are always on the shopping list. One of those check-off items is health. I ask for the health for the two of us so we can accomplish what is needed. One evening I was particularly weary. We knelt beside the bed. Here’s what I said:
“…and please bless us with health.”
Jan was a little upset after the amen’s.
“You just asked Heavenly Father to bless us with hell?”
“I did not.” I replied defensively. “I asked for health.”
“You asked that we be blessed with hell. I heard it.”
“Why would I ask to be blessed with hell?” I queried.
“I don’t know, but you did.” Jan was getting a little feisty. “We have enough hell already. Why would we want more?”
I had no answer.

Dessert

I have been impressed with the creativity of the dates our children have gone on with their spouses. Actually, if you put me to it, I can’t remember any of them. But, I am impressed with the date that I took Jan on.
I created a little invitation or warning depending on how one feels about my “surprises.” The note was a little larger than a green back. The left side displayed an illustration of a hand holding dollar bills, fanned out like playing cards. Here’s how it read:
“Jan” (it’s not like there were anyone else around who would assume this note was for them.)
“Welcome to $One Dollar Friday!”
After that “wowzer” of a headline scanning eyes naturally drifted to the small type below; “Your husband will tell you what this is all about. Just be ready by 5:30 pm Friday for a really great time. Well, I think so anyway.”
I carefully carried my masterpiece and taped it to where I knew Jan would see it. No, not the screen on the computer monitor. But right smack, GPS guided, in the middle of the bathroom mirror. I stood back and admired my work. Snickering at my cunning design, I quietly left Jan sleeping as I left for work.
Throughout the morning I checked my watch every few minutes, waiting for the magical phone call acknowledging my cleverness. Returning from a meeting there was a call on my voice mail. It was from Jan. I grinned as I locked into the message.
“Greg, this is your wife. I’m going to Wal-Mart to look for some shirts. I’ll try to be back by the time you come home for lunch.”
Then silence…
There was no indication of excitement at finding my invitation. No gushing glee of a wife filled with anticipation. I thought she would at least acknowledge that there was a piece of paper taped to the mirror.
I called her cell.
“Did you see anything unusual taped to the mirror this morning?”
“Oh yes. The unusual thing is that you were actually asking me out on a date.”
“Well, did you want to go or do you need to wash your hair or something?”
“I’m not sure what this is.”
“This will be guaranteed fun!”
Date time came. I came home around 5:15, changed my clothes then escorted Jan out to the coach. I asked her if she had any idea what was going on.
“I see two envelopes, is one for me?”
“Ahh, you don’t really see this yet.”
Earlier that day I had gone to the bank to deposit the expense check I had received. I asked that the $20 cash back be all in ones. The clerk replied, “You must have something planned, like a One Dollar Friday”
Wait! I thought I originated the idea. I was crushed. I should have patented this imaginative icon of dating dynamics.
Before we left I placed ten dollar bills in each envelope, writing our name on each.
The idea for this romantic rendezvous was to first get dinner from fast food dollar menus. I reviewed menus on line. I knew Jan would not eat anything on the discounted menu except from KFC. I parked behind the fried chicken coop and brought out the envelopes. As I handed one to Jan I told her that the idea was to use a little as possible in buying dinner off the dollar menu. As I mentioned, she couldn’t find anything worthwhile on the cheap menu so she spent $6.00 on a chicken breast meal. That left her only $4. I sacrificed my life and bought two chicken snackers along with a pair of apple turnovers. I spent $3.
After downing the pieces of fried fowl I drove to our next destination, The Dollar Store. I instructed Jan that with the money left we were to go into the store and buy items for one another. It could be anything.
The problem she had created with her dinner was that she only had $4 to spend on me. Being more frugal and caring, along with knowing the plan, I had $7. Realizing I was going to be on the losing end of present receptivity I gave her one extra dollar to even things out. I realize the math doesn’t quite add up but that’s OK.
Entering the store I picked up a shopping basket and gave it to Jan. We parted company as we embarked on this mini spree.
I quickly went to the candy aisle and plucked a bag of chocolate turtles from the shelf. I next wandered to the cosmetics row and placed a roll of cotton pads in the basket. I then found a book light that I thought was really cool if it worked. Shuffling to another aisle I picked up a spring green colored tote bag.
Lurking around the store like a spy following a foreign secret agent I was cautious to stay out of Jan’s sight. Turning down one aisle Jan suddenly appeared. Hiding my basket behind my back I jokingly acted like I was trying to peek into her basket to see what treasures she had snooped out for me.
“Here it is.” She unabashedly said while showing me her cavernously empty basket. “I don’t have anything yet. I don’t know what to buy.”
I closed my eyes and grimaced.
“Just think of things I might like” I instructed. “I can’t give you any hints. That destroys the whole purpose of this exercise. “
We parted company again.
Earlier that day Jan became frustrated because she couldn’t find a pen by the phone that worked. Going on that hunch I strolled over to the stationary section of the store. There I found what I believed were the ideal pens, The Executive Series Ball Point retractable pen set. The added bargain bonus was that there were three pens in the package.
I raced to the cashier, forked over my five dollars, and then ran to the car to hide the bag in the trunk. I went back into the store to find Jan finally at the check out counter.
Following our Dollar Store splurge we stopped at Redbox for a one dollar movie. But, before the movie we gave each other our bags. I was as excited as a kid anticipating the contents of his Christmas stocking. Jan went first. She pulled out the chocolate,
“I’m trying to cut back on sweets”
She pulled out the tote bag- “Oh this is nice.”
Then came the book light. “This is nice too, if it works”
Reaching in again she grabbed the cotton pads, “I already have a lot of these.”
Finally out came the Executive Series Retractable Ball Point Pens. She smiled widely. I thought at least one of my purchases passed the test of acceptance.
My turn was next. I plunged into the bag and lifted a small first aid kit. The next item was a fuzzy golden towel that promised it could be used a thousand times without unraveling.
“I tried to get things that were practical,” Jan explained.
I simultaneously yanked out a seven day pill box and a canister of Barbasol shaving cream. However, it was the last item that was most surprising. Out of the thousands of one dollar novelties stocked in the store Jan and I had given each other … the exact same Executive Series Ball Point Retractable Pens.
And that is why we have been married for 32 years, or is it 33?