My Tie

I’ve always wondered how wearing a tie is supposed to enhance male formal attire. Ties are the most purchased gift for Fathers Day. Fashion has caused ties to vary in width, pattern, designs and even how to knot the accessory. Bow ties and bolero string ties have never caught on with the masses. Both are considered nerdy. Is there such a thing as a nerdy cowboy? Just put a bolero tie with a belt buckle slide around the neck and you have a cockamamie cowboy who thinks shoe laces laced beneath his collar is fashionable.
I’ve worn these chokers for close to thirty years six days a week. Sometimes even seven.
Despite my disgust for the tradition I feel naked without a tie. Ties are my comfort cloth.
Ties should also come with warnings. Such as not closing the car door on your tie. Yup, I’ve done that. Luckily I was already in the car. A coworker once tried to live dangerously and dangled his neck wear too close to the shredder. He sang praises for a close by pair of scissors.
The alarm went off one morning, I rose from the bed and did the usual get ready for work routine. It was the first day of Jan’s summer vacation from working at school and she was sleeping in. I moseyed through the hour or so prior to leaving. Brushed the hair, the teeth and the pants, then strutted to the car. This was going to be a great day.
All the traffic lights turned green and small doves fluttered around the car as I drove to work on smooth city streets. The other vehicles pulled to the side to clear my way. I soon realized that one of those green lights was actually red and the dove feathers were flying everywhere because the dang birds didn’t get out of my way fast enough. It is true the other vehicles pulled over as I drove close to them but that was because the Medford Police car with lights pulsating was chasing me as I had streaked through that red light. That’s not entirely true; in fact I made all that up, especially the part about smooth city streets.
Routine equals security for me and everything that morning was orderly and tight. I pulled into my parking space beneath the tree that, depending on the season, rained leaves, pollen or sap on the car.
I caught up with a few of the co-workers who were heading toward the building. I engaged them in small talk, even opening the door for them. Once in I went through my opening work pattern of checking email, faxes, phone messages etc…
All was normal, sane and peaceful.
After an hour on the job I gathered up a few newspapers to take to a client. Bending over to pick up the papers I noticed something…blue shirt. Yes, blue shirt. That was all. No streak of maroon, no pallet of blues and greens, no strip of browns swaying in front of my blue shirt.
I grasped my neck like a man signaling to a crowded restaurant that he was choking on a pork chop bone. Fumbling frantic fingers searched the inside of my shirt collar, and then hurried down the now revealed buttons. My fears were confirmed. I had forgotten to put the tie on.
Instead of panic, I laughed. Not just a little chuckle or giggle. This was a loud boisterous convulsed whoop. Curious heads popped up from their cubicles reminding me of a life-sized “Whack-A-Mole” arcade game.
I don’t know why I thought this was so funny. Perhaps it was because in thirty years the tie had never forgotten to wrap around my neck. Maybe it was due to the fact no one, even my manager, seemed to notice I was tie deficient. However, I think this glorious outbreak was because I was now free, free from the ties that bind. I could now inhale the sweet smell of donuts wafting in the morning air. I could eat the donuts freely without fear the exquisite morsels would get stuck in my throat, and I could move my neck from side to side to snap at the donuts that appeared peripherally within my grasp. Actually, Jan won’t let me eat donuts but I can dream!
When my guffaw quieted I retuned to my desk, snatched my keys, headed out the door and drove away, shirt collar open, flapping in the breeze, to live happily ever after…
Sounds good but I just went home, put on a tie then returned to work.