A week or so ago Jan informed me that we were going to be attending a “free” (I’ll explain the quote marks later) seminar at the AAA office featuring an international guru specializing in packing. This is not about packing supplies on mules for a trip down the walls of the Grand Canyon. This packer helps travelers pack more economically and lighter so extra baggage isn’t needed or luggage is not over weight, thus causing additional excessive charges to fly.
I don’t know why Jan felt the need to attend this seminar. We’ve only flown a few times since we’ve been married. If we go anywhere it’s by car. Maybe she has anxiety that I will begin charging her for each bag she checks into the trunk and enforce a new policy that all carry on items must be able to fit underneath the seat.
The packer’s name is Anne McAlpin. She actually lives in Jacksonville and travels the world giving these seminars. Her claim to fame is that she’s appeared on the Today Show, CNN and Oprah.
Now, don’t think for a moment that I didn’t protest going to this seminar. Protesting with Jan is always futile but I need to put up a little fight so she thinks I’m making a huge sacrifice on her behalf. That’s just part of our relationship. Make her think she owes me. Jan also invited her sister Jeanne who is very supportive in her sister’s anxieties.
Reservations were required to insure a seat. As we drove to the early morning meeting I wondered if we would be the only ones attending. We were surprised to see that the parking lot was quickly filling up. We announced our arrival at the front desk and were given some literature along with a raffle ticket because there would be a few prizes given out at the end of the seminar.
We found seats in the back and listened to the excited chatter of the attendees. Anne then walked from the back of the room to check out her audience. She walked aisle by aisle like a stewardess, making sure our seats were comfortable and that we had everything we needed. I expected to see her pushing the airline drink cart down the aisle or that she would begin giving instructions on how to use the oxygen masks while pointing out the emergency exit doors.
I would have been very interested in those exit doors.
The oxygen masks would have been very appropriate given the age of most of the attendees. I think we were the youngest attending. Retired people must have more time and disposable income than we who support them with our monthly Social Security extractions from our pay checks.
To begin her presentation Anne asked the audience where people were going to be traveling. Many mentioned exotic, exciting places like the Pacific Islands, Italy, Greece, France and the Orient. After each person’s comment Anne repeated it with excitement in her voice. I just couldn’t resist and my hand shot up automatically. As Anne pointed in my direction I blurted out, “Lincoln, Nebraska!” Right in cadence she repeated. “Lincoln, Nebraska.”
I’m sure she wondered what kind of jerk was sitting in the back row. As people turned and gave me stares of disbelief I pointed at Jan as if she somehow had changed her voice and shouted that ridiculous reply. However there were actually a few chuckles and even some claps. They must have thought I’d said Yukon, Alaska because one woman in front of us turned and said, “I’ve been on that cruise before.”
I wondered how you book a cruise to Nebraska.
Anne then went into her pitch with all the flurry of a salesman standing on the steps of his medicine wagon selling his ‘magic’ elixir that cures everything from cancer to gout. She showed us luggage with the nooks and compartments that you could hide things in for years and not know they were there. She showed us how to roll clothes up to prevent wrinkling, stowing shoes and heavy items at the bottom of the suitcase and how to get through security without having personal care products confiscated.
She also showed various products that were compact, and would fill emergency needs. There was the solar/crank powered flashlight that I wondered when would that be needed. OK, a radio was also part of the device but still, to the best of my knowledge solar power doesn’t work in the dark.
Noting the age of her audience Anne also showed a nifty pill organizer. This was obviously very important because it was listed three times on the brochure that reviewed some of the products. However, my favorites were the compression bags. Simply place your clothes in the bag then roll out the air and the clothing is compressed flat and airless. I wondered about other applications for these bags such as when moving just place your boxes and furniture in the compression bag and you can move entire households in a wheel barrow. Or, for a quieter ride on the way to vacation put the kids in one of these bags to save space and whining. I haven’t figured out the bone crushing air breathing thing yet for the kids but it’s worth a try.
When the hour long seminar was over Anne invited some of the AAA office staff to talk. They wanted to make sure we reviewed the brochures. Originally we thought they were just check lists for packing but in reality they were checklists for buying. The staff explained that most of the items in Anne’s presentation were available in the AAA travel store. That’s when I knew we’d been set up.
When the staff was through with their instructions those in attendance rushed toward the travel store. Older people can be very aggressive when they think there’s a deal out there. Chairs went flying as bodies pushed against bodies, gray hair flew (I think it was actually someone’s wig). People attacked these travel items like flocks of hungry seagulls fighting over French fries spilled in a parking lot.
Even Jan was caught up in the excitement, slowly moving from shelf to shelf filling her arms with various gizmos. As an extra incentive if you spent a minimum of $75 consumers would receive a free copy of Anne’s book and DVD. Anne would then autograph the books and the frenzied travel fans would walk out the door pushing their new luggage with happy grins. Using anti-hypnosis techniques I learned in Scranton, Pennsylvania, I was able to snap Jan out of her catatonic shopping state and convinced her to put several of the items back, explaining that we could just borrow Jeanne’s book.
So, the “free” seminar was actually a conniving sales pitch that cost me tens of dollars. After the last autograph I’m sure Anne sat comfortably in a chair in the back room, clasped her hands together behind her head with her feet propped up on a piece of luggage and said with a devilish grin, “Suckers.”
