The automatic doors of the emergency room opened as I stumbled into the lobby.“Hey! Hey! I need some help!” Slumping into a nearby chair, a nurse walked over with a clipboard.
“What’s wrong? What’s the matter with you?"
“I fell and think I broke my arm."
"OK, wait here. I’ll bump you up in line."
Soon the nurse came pushing a wheel chair my direction. “Here, let me help.”She put her hand under my arm to help steady me.
“AHHH, that’s the arm that’s broken!”
“Oh, I’m so sorry.” She moved to the other side and helped slide me into the chair.
“Let’s get you into an examination room.”
I sat in the wheel chair for several minutes before a doctor parted the curtain.
“So, what’s your problem?”
“I fell and think I broke my arm.”
“Which one?”
“The one I’m holding.. “
He took the arm and raised it slightly.
Aaaahhhh!
“Does that hurt?”
“No, I scream like that all the time in hospitals!”
“OK, I need to assess your pain level. On a scale of 1 to 10, what level is your pain?”
“What?”
“On a scale of…"
“I heard you, what does that even mean?”
“Well, if you think one is the lowest pain level, and ten is the most excruciating pain…”
“I don’t understand. I don’t know what a ten feels like. What’s a one supposed to be?”
“Maybe a pin prick could be a level one. It sort of depends on you.”
"OK, so, paper cuts make my entire hand throb. To me, that could be pretty high up the scale- Then a broken arm would be off the charts.”
“That’s not possible in this scenario. Pain can only register as high as a ten."
“So…what if I told you this was a level ten pain?”
“I’d give you more pain killer.”
“All right then, this is a ten. Now, bring on the drugs.”
“Before we do that there are a few questions I need to ask. Are you allergic to any medication? If so, on a scale of one to ten how severe is the reaction?"
“I die.”
“I’ll put that as an eight.”
“Wouldn’t death be a ten?”
“Not necessarily. It’s said there are worse things than death.”
“Oh, fine.”
“I need to have an MRI taken of the break. On a scale of one to ten, what’s your level of panic you experience when going through the coffin like tube?”
“I’d say that’s a five.”
“So, you experience average panic?”
“I guess so.”
“One more question before we proceed.’
“Promise me this will be the last one.”
“On a scale of one to ten, what is your level of embarrassment you experience walking through the office wearing one of these gowns that exposes your backside?”
“Where'd you learn about this one to ten scale business?”
“In medical school.”
“Well…on a scale of one to ten, how would you rate yourself as a doctor?’
“Based on comparisons with others, I’d say I’d be pushing a three.”
“A three? Are you crazy?”
“No, I’m a doctor.”
“On a scale of one to 10, what’s the likelihood of getting me outta here?”
“On a scale of one to ten, what’s your ability to pay for these services?”
“I’m at a ten in wanting to cinch your tie around your neck!”
“Hmm…you’re the tenth person who’s said that today.”
“Want to know on a scale of one to ten how I’d recommend this place to anyone in the universe! It’s a negative billion!”
“That can’t be sir. The scale only goes to ten.”
“Ahhhhhhh!”
