A year to remember…

Every one else seems to have a year in review so I thought, why not, I had a year too. Unfortunately I don’t remember much from the beginning of the year so I’ve had to do some research. I’ve been quite thorough… looked through the check book register, old emails, calendar dates, and even sifted through the receipt package we keep in the cupboard to verify dates and events. Frankly, most of the research has involved yelling down the hall to Jan for event verification since I’ve been wrong on every date so far. So here are some of the more interesting highlights to 2008:

January

Apparently I didn’t have any money because I don’t show I wrote out many checks in January except to a plumber for clearing our main sewer line. I must have flushed all the bills. I knew January was a bad month.

January 27^th was an exciting day. That was the day that the valley had a severe snow storm while Jan and the Stake Relief Society were visiting in Etna and the Stake Presidency was in Yreka. Coming home was not a treat. Heather remembers this day because her car has been missing a hub cap ever since.

It is also the day that President Hinckley passed away.

February

Purchased four boxes of Girl Scout cookies. I often wished that the Boy Scouts would do something similar. The Boy Scouts just ask me for money, I get no cookies.

Jan and I visited Dad. He had just had open heart surgery compounded by intestinal surgery. He was still on pain relief medication and hallucinated quite a bit. He had a woman who he identified as an aunt Betsy who had a plate of cookies for him. He held his hand out to take the cookies, then looked at me and said, “I hallucinate sometimes. I don’t even have an aunt Betsy.”

Dad’s much better now. I don’t think aunt Betsy’s been visiting, either. I wonder if those were Girl Scout cookies?

March

According to my historical research March was the month that I discovered the ease of using my debit card in place of writing checks or constantly pulling out cash to cover purchases. It is also the month where the notation NSF is written in tiny letters in the check register. Looks like I got too happy with the debit card.

March was the beginning of some big changes in the Smith family. Heather had decided to make the move to Utah, and would leave on April 1^st. Jan and I are thinking that Brittany and Clay were thinking of moving to Utah around then. And, Kevin, Nicole and Noah were thinking that they would soon be thinking of moving from Medford. I’m thinking that I’m happy all this has happened and everyone is where they were thinking they would like to be.

April

It took Jan and I 31 years to get there but we finally celebrated our anniversary one weekend on the coast. It was great. Jan says the highlights of the weekend were the drive over, the phone call from Brittany telling us that she was expecting, the hotel room right on the beach, and the fudge at the little shop across the street. The highlight for me was being able to spend a weekend with my gorgeous wife who I absolutely adore. Take that, Jan!

May

This was the month that I realized the Mail Tribune was in trouble. Not just the Mail Tribune but newspapers and media generally. Nearly 5% of our full time staff were laid off due to budget cuts. We often think man made institutions such as businesses and governments will be around forever. They won’t.

June

The previous year a wind storm had knocked over our gate and fence. Fearing that large animals and criminals were invading our backyard at night Jan encouraged me to put the fence back up. Actually, she gave me two choices. After deliberating, I choose to work on the fence. However, I enjoyed the openness the lack of the fence gave, a spacious entryway into the back yard, no propping open the gate as I wheeled out garbage or having the gate smack my back side as I pushed the lawnmower through.

The fence is back up, sturdy as a crippled man’s right leg that has no bones, and the gate is back to protecting the yard from the insane animals that prowl the neighborhood.

July

Highlight was going back to Pennsylvania to see Jordan, Christina and the girls. Those kids are fun to watch.

August

Kevin, Nicole and Noah moved officially to Nebraska. Jan and I are truly empty nesters. We quickly learned that with no kids around there’s no one to play with.

So, we went back to Utah to see if the daughters would like to play. Brittany only liked to play in the hospital, Heather only liked to play engaged and I played a great new game called “Quiver.”

We met Jason, took in a BYU football game and otherwise had a great time.

August is also pear picking time at the church’s welfare farm. We managed to pluck a few of those, too, during the month.

September

Wedding plans, baby plans, MRI’s all filled the month. Jan operated a great taxi service driving me around.

October

More doctor visits and renewed my driver’s license. The form I filled out asked if there was anything health wise that would prevent me from driving. I answered no even though I couldn’t drive at the time. The way I reasoned was that it was a doctor that told me I couldn’t drive, not the DMV.

Had another birthday.

November

Busy month. Heather and Jason got all sealed up. With all the kids, but Brittany and Clay, it was amazing. I don’t mean that it was amazing because Britt and Clay were not there. That’s not my thought at all. Great Thanksgiving.

The Friday evening before the wedding I rushed home from decorating to be here when Megan and her friend drove in. I remembered I needed to pick up my suit at the dry cleaners. Got in the Sable and the battery was dead. Walked quickly to the dry cleaners, picked up a couple of Subway sandwiches, got back home just in time to see Megan wandering the neighborhood looking for our home. I’m sure our gate kept her out of our back yard, though.

December

Many people felt sorry for Jan and I when we told them none of our kids would be home for Christmas. Those were only the people who had kids coming in for the holidays. After Christmas many worn out dads were envious of our quiet, low key Christmas morning. I reminded them to enjoy the noise and holiday tumult while they had it.

Looking back 2008 had some very low moments but also some great memories. I hope 2009 evens out for each of us.

A White Christmas

Christmas is like my neighbor’s ivy. I cut it off on my side of the fence and before I know it, it’s back again. I don’t mean that negatively about the holiday, just about the ivy. And that’s not to say that I think that Christmas is creepy like the neighbor’s ivy either, it just creeps up on me…Christmas, not the ivy. Vines that creep up on me would give me nightmares…just forget that analogy.

Nearly every day in the paper this past week there’s been mention that we might have a white Christmas here in Medford. I’m not sure exactly what qualifies as a “white Christmas”. Does there just have to be snow on the ground at midnight December 25^th? Does it matter how long that snow has been on the ground prior to that time? Is it important how much of the ground is covered by the snow? Is there a certain depth of snow in order to qualify a Christmas as being “white”? Or, does the snow have to fall on Christmas Day? Or does it have to be snowing in the morning? What if it snows at 11:55 pm December 25^th? Isn’t that still a “white Christmas?”

The amazing thing is that I don’t think anyone knows. It’s just one of those holiday concepts put out there by Bing Crosby that everyone thinks is a neat idea. We really latch onto the cold, icy, snowy Christmas. But, if you think of it, most of the world on Christmas is sunny, bright and fairly mild. As I write this, Bethlehem, Israel, on December 25^th, the high temperature is going to be 55 degrees. That’s balmy.

If Santa wore his thick fur suit in the southern hemisphere, where it’s just a few days into summer, he’d quickly sweat off those extra pounds he carries.

I enjoyed the warmer California weather of my Christmas past. It was nice to have a bike by the tree in the morning and actually be able to take it outside and stream up and down the street on it. If you lived in Minnesota and you got a bike for Christmas, you’d have to wait until June to ride it. Either that or ride it up and down the hall of your house, running over your parents’ toes, cat’s tail and over the face of an older sister who happened to be on the couch, watching TV, eating a bowl of Cheerios.

Snow is a great equalizer. It covers all the junk in the neighbor’s yard and my patchy lawn looks just as manicured as everyone else’s. With a few inches of snow on my car no one can see that the paint is faded and flaking like the aftermath of a bad sunburn. It’s difficult to tell new cars from the older, classic styles. It’s sort of like how China used to be, where everyone wore the same black outfits. Everyone was equal. When I’ve got a coat of snow on my car, I’m feeling like I’m drivin’ a new car. Except for the smoke coming from the exhaust and the groans, whines and creaks of the engine coming from beneath that fine layer of white.

Cinderella

A few weeks ago we received a wedding invitation. Not an unusual thing. It must be because of the hundreds of dollars we spend on each personalized gift we give and our popularity that word has spread that we receive hundreds of such invites annually. Of course, I exaggerate.

This one reception has aroused some curiosity among the invitees because rumors suggest this was going to have a Cinderella theme. I haven’t been to many receptions that actually had themes, or not that I as an average wedding cake eating, cream puff popping male could detect anyway. The only theme I could tell were, you know, wedding, or like marriage, type themes. Husband and wife, standing next to each other, shaking hands, hugging…not so much each other.. but others, sort of stuff.

I was curious as to what a Cinderella themed wedding reception might consist of so I wanted to review that wildly romantic fairy tale. From what I remembered of the Disney story most of it wasn’t about any wedding reception, it was about the prince trying to find his ideal wife. His idea of the perfect wife involved foot size. Sort of weird, really. Cinderella fit the shoe, they got hitched. That was it. Don’t see how you could build much of a reception around that. Being a college grad I realized that Disney did not write the Cinderella story so I set off on a web search to find the original story of the poor little servant girl who would become the controller of birds and mice; the future queen of some imaginary kingdom.

The first story I read was something about Cinderella and her corset made of leather and bones. I didn’t remember anything about that and it seemed a little off course. So, I looked again and found another story, this time by the Brother’s Grimm. And Grimm they were. Let me give you an abridged account of the true, original story of Cinderella. You’ll see why Disney made some changes:

A wealthy man remarried after his first wife passed away. His new wife brought two beautiful daughters into the marriage. He had one daughter from his first wife. The two step daughters were jealous of their step sister and their mother demanded he either send her away or cause her to become a servant. So, she moved downstairs.

At meal time the girl’s stepsisters would throw her beans into the coals of the dwindling fire and make her pick them out in order to eat. As she did this she’d become covered in soot and cinders, hence they nicknamed her Cinderella. (Not mentioned in the story but wonder if her name was Ella, get it, Cinder- Ella)

There’s a lot more to the story but Cinderella would often visit her mother’s grave and cry. She even planted a tree there which grew and birds would nest and visit Cinderella. Eventually the prince of the kingdom decided to marry. To find a wife he and his father decided to throw a three day party (middle age version reality TV, The Bachelor). The stepmother and daughters received invites. Cinderella wanted to go and, you know the story, the stepmother didn’t let her. So Cinderella went crying on her mother’s grave and, magically, the birds brought her a beautiful gown and shoes. She danced with the prince all night, then ran off into the pigeon house and disappeared.

The second night she appeared in an even more beautiful gown, but at the end of the evening she ran off and climbed a pear tree. The king chopped down the tree but she wasn’t there. The third night, the prince put some pitch on a step to trap his prize. Unfortunately, when Cinderella ran off this time she ran right out of her slipper because it stuck in the pitch. Now you would think a lot of other shoes would have also been stuck in the pitch that night too, including a few dukes. So, the prince went around to find out who fit the shoe. Sort of risky because the prince must have been pretty ignorant of the fact that shoes can fit a lot of different feet. But, the story just focuses on his stop at the home of Cinderella.

One of the stepsisters tries on the shoe. She can’t get her big toe in. Her “caring” mother tells her to cut off her toe to make it fit. So, she does. Prince dodo doesn’t notice blood spurting out of the shoe and takes her home to marry. As he passes the grave of Cinderella’s mother the bird’s who roost there sing a little poem that tells the prince that there’s blood on the shoe and she’s the wrong one.The prince returns the damaged goods.

The second sister tries on the stained shoe. She can’t get her heel in. So, the mom tells her to cut it off. She slices it off until her foot fits. The prince takes this one home but the little birds say the same thing. He again takes her back.

This time Cinderella tries on the now bloody slipper and, amazingly, she doesn’t have to cut anything off. The step sisters still want to be part of the wedding so they ride along in the carriage. As they pass the grave of Cinderella’s mother the birds swoop down and peck out an eye of each sister. After the wedding, as the carriage returns, the birds fly in and peck out the sisters other eye.

That’s the story. A little Disney, a little Hitchcock, a little Stephen King.

Now, how does that apply to a modern day wedding reception? This is how I see it…

You pile a mound of earth with a headstone and a tree growing out of it. Put a couple of unruly birds up in the tree. In the reception line you have the prince (groom) and Cinderella (bride) but then you have to have a maid of honor and a bridesmaid each with two pecked out eyes, wearing bloody slippers.

And most bridesmaids only have the dress to complain about… Ahhh! Another fairy tale wedding come to life…

And Then There Were None

That’s actually the title of an Agatha Christie novel where several guests invited to a dinner party get knocked off one by one. (I never read the book…remember seeing the movie on the black & white when a kid. I just remember it being creepy and I think I saw Agatha Christie’s name in the credits. Thought it was a funny name.) That has nothing to do with this…

Now that all that needed to simmer down is done I’ve reflected a little on what’s happened over the past several weeks. So, I’ve brewed a huge cup of hot chocolate and curled up around the computer, (a little pokey and cold) to tap out a few thoughts on the keyboard.

I was asked many times how I felt about Heather, she being the last to leave the nest so to speak. Well, she actually left this tight little nest of ours years ago. I think in that aspect this marriage was different than the others.

You have to permit some father sap to leach from the grizzled bark of this old stump of a tree at this point when I say that there was no feeling of selfishness, sadness, remorse, or any negative feeling concerning the last of these tender shoots to spring free and blossom.

Both Jan and I were filled with joy for Heather as we watched her kneeling at the altar and being sealed to her husband. (Sometimes we think of the term “being sealed” as being sealed in a container or being restrained. The term sealed used in this case means being approved by God, it has received His stamp of approval. This marriage has been graded A-1 and as long as covenants are kept here, God’s covenants will be kept there.)

The day was filled with “life touch” moments.

Little “say it like it is” Hayley telling Heather at the unofficial wedding day pancake breakfast (sorry you missed this, Jason) that she “looked beautiful …different.” Yep, Heather exuded atomic bride wedding day radiation.

Grumpy old men at the temple telling young brides and their mothers to leave wedding stuff in the lobby and not take them to the brides room...(note to temple presidencies: don’t put grumpy old men at the recommend desk to battle mothers of the bride. G.O.M will lose…badly)

Having Kevin, Jordan, Heather, and knowing Brittany would be there if she could in the temple that day with their wonderful spouses. With Jan, that’s all I need.

Trying to line the three grandchildren up for a photo in front of the fountain. The best pictures are the ones taken when they are frozen in time, trying to scatter.

I love it when the long anticipated moment when the newly made bride and groom emerge from the temple doors. What are they supposed to do?

Thank you Heather for being indulgent in letting some football junkies incorporate a game into the festivities. A unique luncheon.

We were again stressed to get to the reception on time. And again, despite my telling Jan this wasn’t going to happen again, Jan and daughter were no where to be found and women were asking me questions about what needed to be done in the kitchen or with the food.

Jason’s family was AOL at the beginning of the reception. We were afraid they had gone back to California already. But, they had just been given some wrong directions and as usual at any reception and in any marriage, you “gotta roll with what you got.”

My favorite memory of the entire evening however was toward the end as Heather and Jason were gathering their things together to leave. Throughout the evening Hayley, Tia and two other same sized little girls dressed in identical party dresses had flitted and floated around the reception like little birds. Heather had suffered, as most brides do, Cinderella syndrome and had taken her shoes off as she stood in the reception line. Her glittered spiked heeled slippers sat by the back white wall of the castle that had served as the backdrop where those from the surrounding kingdom had come to meet and wish Jason and Heather good will in their marriage. I’m not sure if Heather had asked Hayley and Tia to retrieve her shoes or not, but when these little princesses realized they had a mission, the four girls flew across the room, fluttering around table and chairs, returning with shoes in hand.

Then like the magical mice in true fairy tale tradition these four little girls scurried around Heather’s wedding dress, lifting her skirt, placing her shoes on her feet, nearly getting lost beneath the ruffles, and then pranced, danced, and giggled in a circle around their new queen.

The newly married couple then waved farewell to their loved ones as they drove away in their coach with silver ribbons streaming in the cool misty air.

And they lived happily ever after…

Trick or Treat, You're Dead Meat (my favorite saying when I was a child)

Halloween is different when you have no children around. When we had kids it seemed like such a rush to have dinner before the sugar glut of trick or treating, or parties. Jan and I always buy way more candy than is needed. We bought a huge bag of mini- mini candy bars then bought some additional Nutrageous and Peanut Butter Cups just to make sure... all this for the 12 kids that annually show up at our door. Actually, let me rephrase that…all this for the slightly over middle aged adults that live behind the door. As usual we sorted through the candy bars to make sure we had an ample supply of our first, and second favorites.

So, I came home from work and started our traditional Halloween dinner consisting of tater tots and wiener wraps. While waiting for dinner to finish cooking our first visitors pounded on the door around 5:30. Two boys, one dressed like the grim reaper, the other dressed like what I would guess was a chubby monk. I told the grim reaper that he shouldn’t be knocking on some of these doors since there’s a lot of older people in the neighborhood.

As Jan and I sat down for dinner another knock at the door. Jan handled this one. This one was big! She quickly confessed she wasn’t a trick or treater but let us know the brake lights on the Sable were on. Sometimes the brake gets stuck and the lights stay on. So after jiggling the brake pedal so the lights would turn off we soon received another group. A little family of goblins, actually I think they were Hispanic.

We’ve had several Hispanic groups come by this evening. I was starting to wonder if the illegal aliens were now crossing the border, not to work, but for trick or treating. Then I would get a little fearful that while we were being distracted by the kids at the door, others may be tagging our house with gang graffiti.

Actually they looked like nice decent families As I closed the door I would always wish them well on their trip to Canada. For some reason they always looked a little confused.

We’ve actually had several large groups come by. Several kids are so excited that they start yelling trick or treat before they ring the bell. I swing open the door and yell excitedly, “Wow, what did you all bring me?” For some reason they always look a little confused.

We kept the blinds open in the living room so we could see who was coming down the street. I noticed this one large group stopping at each house. I had the candy basket ready as they rang the bell. Opening the door there were two of the cutest little princesses I’d seen all night. They were twin girls about 3 years old. I wondered where the big group that they were with was. In the back ground, standing in the dark on the sidewalk was the rest of the girls' entourage. I’m sure it was either their parents, grandparents, great grandparents along with assorted other relatives. I asked the girls if all those people were from their Verizon network. They too, looked a little confused.

During the evening I figured out a way to keep all my candy. I grab several pieces in my hand then as I reach into their bags I flick the side of their bag with my finger. Yep, sounds just like candy hitting the bottom of the bag. As the evening goes by and their bags are full it’s easy to even reach into their bags, and, instead of dropping candy into their bag I can actually take a few pieces from their bag. That’s what the parable of the talents is all about, right? You’ve been given two candy bars and you increase that to five.

As it gets later we start get the bigger kids. I still give them candy because, frankly, I’m afraid of them. I give them some candy, then my watch, my wallet; the computer…Jan protested that one. Now some large kid dressed like Hell Boy is driving my car away.

I wave and wish him a happy Halloween and slowly close the door. Another great holiday hits the books.

“Fool me twice,…OK, I’ve been shamed!”

Sunday was our Stake Conference. The session didn’t start until 10 am but I had an early morning meeting to get to. I was to meet at the church at 7:30 am so the stake presidency could drive together to the Central Point Stake Center. The meeting would be with the other stake's leaders where we were to be taught more about our missionary responsibilities.

I awoke with plenty of time. According to the clock it was only 6 am so I laid in bed for several minutes thinking about what I would do prior to the meeting. I’d get up, shower, other stuff, and, since I probably wouldn’t be home until around 2 that afternoon, I thought a good hearty stack of pancakes would help tide me over quite nicely.

As I talked a little with Jan about the upcoming conference session I noticed the blinds in the bedroom seemed to have some light coming in behind them. Light? There shouldn’t be any light. I looked at the clock again. 6:15 am. Just the day before I had been out jogging around 6:45 am and there was no light. I began to panic. Oh no! It’s déjà vu all over again! I remembered a year ago getting up, taking my time to get to a meeting then discovering that modern technology hadn’t listened to or cared much about the act of Congress that set the switch to standard from daylight savings time a week later.

Our alarm clocks were set to automatically switch to standard time each fall then back to daylight savings time in the spring. Trouble is that I don’t remember that these clocks do this all on their own without consulting us.

I jumped out of bed and ran to the front door to get the paper. The sun was beginning to rise behind Roxy Ann. I quickly began checking all the other clocks in the house. They all read 7:15 am. Nothing gets the blood that’s settled in your back side flowing like realizing you not only are not going to get your pancakes, you only have 15 minutes to get ready for a church meeting.

I ran down the hall, stopping at the hall closet to grab a couple of towels. Even in a panic I was still thinking of my wife. (The extra towel was for her.) I fumbled for the shaving cream and then hastily applied the foam to my face. Gasping for air I discovered I’d covered both nostrils with the shaving cream. Poking holes with my finger where I thought the nose should be I guided my triple bladed razor over my face just like a Ferrari takes to the winding roads of the Italian Alps. I went so fast that I’d thought I’d shaved my eye off but realized it was just soap that caused the eye to sting and not an amputation.

At this point my drowsy little wife asked what was going on. My staccato reply as I sprinted into the shower went something like: “Clocks-fall-back-too-soon!AHHHHH!!!”

With water pouring from the shower head I jumped in and began to sling soap as quickly as I could. I was going fast! I was amazed at how quickly this was going even if there is more to me to hose off than in years past. The lack of hair makes the shampooing quicker and shortens up the difference I suppose. Grabbing for the towel I accidently dumped the towel for my wife into the garbage, (sorry Jan). Semi dry and totally stressed I combed the hair (singular) and began putting on my clothes as if I was a fireman getting dressed while the third alarm sounded.

I didn’t know if the shoes matched or if the tie was on backwards but I was flyin’! Racing out the door I prayed the car that hadn’t been driven in two months would get me to the church on time. It started so I backed up and I was off. I kept glancing at my watch. President Woodley wanted to leave by 7:40 and I was pushing time like never before. Screeching into the parking lot the Woodley van was running with the back up lights on. I leapt from the car and flung the van door open with such power it about knocked my teeth out.

Time on the van clock? 7:41!

I wondered why I couldn’t get ready this fast all the time. It was quite the rush. This sudden surge of adrenaline power was greater than any triple mocha espresso could ever give. I had discovered a new power aid…it’s called late.

Halfway to Halloween?

Our last post was the end of September and here we are nearly half way through October already! What has been going on? We took a quick trip to Utah again for General Conference last weekend. Thanks to Joe and Kelly for letting us hitch a ride, it was a lot of fun and I didn't have to drive at all. One of the rental car commercials says "Leave the driving to us" and that 's what we did. We took off around 4:00AM Friday morning and arrived that night at the Hampton Inn where Joe and Kelly were staying.
Heather and Jason picked us up Friday evening and took us down to Orem to stay with Brittany and Clay (which I must admit made me just a little nervous considering our last stay in August-not wanting any repeat performances or early morning ER visit by ambulance in Provo, if you know what I mean.)
We got a call from Brittany on the way down saying that she had been sick with a fever off and on the past few days and had been instructed that if it spiked again she was to report to Labor and Delivery at the Orem hospital to check things out. She was laying on the couch when we arrived, feverish and definitely not feeling well. She was really burning up. Within minutes Clay, Brittany, and I were on our way to the hospital. (What is it with Utah and hospitals lately?) It was kind of exciting thinking that this is where Brittany will deliver in a few more months, but too soon for now.
The nurses hooked Brittany up to fetal monitors and tried to draw blood for lab work, but her veins weren't very cooperative. She seems to have spaghetti veins that dodge out of the way of the needle. Three different attempts up and down her left arm left Brittany feeling like a pin cushion and the nurses frustrated before they finally tried her right arm, which was successful. I told her don't even bother offering her left arm anymore, it just doesn't work. We spent several hours in labor and delivery while they checked her out and hooked her up to an IV drip to treat her for dehydration, then sent her on to ER to have a doctor check on the pain she has been having just below her rib cage. She thought it was a pulled muscle, although the ER doc was treating her for bronchitis and gastritis. By the time we left the hospital for home it was nearly 2AM Saturday morning and I had been wearing my contact lenses for nearly 21 hours straight. We were exhausted and all ready for bed. Good thing we didn't have tickets for the Saturday morning session, we would have missed getting there on time.
Heather and Jason came down Saturday morning and we prepared a great General Conference breakfast with blueberry muffins, bacon, juice, pancakes and hash browns. We watched Saturday's sessions from Clay and Brittany's apartment. Dad took us to Applebee's after the afternoon session and Clay, Dad and Jason attended the Priesthood Session from the chapel just up the hill from Brittany and Clay's. Heather, Brittany, and I watched a chick flick while they were gone: "Sleepless in Seattle." I had wanted to see it since Dad and I actually saw the Empire State Building while in New York City with Jordan and Christina's family this summer.
Sunday morning we were out the door extremely early to make it to Music and the Spoken Word before the Sunday morning session of General Conference. And it was pouring down rain. I wasn't prepared for the change of weather. Good thing Brittany had a gray jacket she could let me wear which helped keep the rain off me. As usual, it is always a bit of a challenge to find a parking space around the Conference Center, Clay and Dad finally let Brittany and I out on the west side while they continued to search for a parking spot. Heather and Jason were meeting us there.
Our stake had tickets for the balcony on the left side (nosebleed section). And was the first time the entire stake presidency had attended a General Conference session there together. What a treat! Watching conference there is different from watching it on tv because there are a lot of behind the scenes you would most likely miss from tv, like the audible countdown before the broadcast begins. I noticed a lot of the choir members get their wiggles out right before the recording begins to cough or adjust their hair or just brush their hand across their face. There is kind of a buzz or hum as people enter and find their seats, greeting friends and family with anticipation, but when President Monson entered the Conference Center the entire audience immediately and reverently fell silent. It was amazing how quiet the Conference Center was then. Our Stake President Woodley said if they can do that with 21,000 people in the Conference Center, surely we can do that with 300 or so in attendance at our ward meetings.
We only had tickets for the Sunday morning session so when that session was over we went back to the car for sandwiches and snacks. To our surprise, it was no longer raining and the sun had come out, hooray! Our family went to see the Reflections of Christ exhibit in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building between sessions and then stayed to catch the last session of October General Conference from the Legacy Theater, where we had nice comfortable seats and more room than we had in the morning. Too soon conference was over and we had to say goodbye to Heather and Jason. When they come out next month, it will be right before their wedding! Clay and Brittany took us bright and early Monday morning to meet Joe and Kelly in Salt Lake for the ride back home to Oregon. It was a quick weekend, but a wonderful trip! And the best part will be all of our children coming home to be here for Heather and Jason's sealing next month! Can't wait to see you all then!

Doctors don't cause pain

My wife, being the economist that she is, wanted to save a few dollars on some of these doctor visits I’ve been making lately. “We need to get our moneys worth out of these appointments,” she would say. So, while the doctor is trying to determine if I’m going to live or die, Jan begins to point out all the little bodily things that need fixed while Greg is in the medical clinic repair shop.

She points out this spot on my head that should be taken a look at or that toenail that looks like it should be removed and burned before the fungus takes over the city. She wants to know what can be done about the soreness in my back because I’m not of much use around the house, or the doctor must look in my ears because she swears I’m going deaf.

During our first visit that Jan was pointing these things out the doctor wisely told her, “Let’s take care of the current problem during this visit then we can look at those other things in a subsequent appointment.”

She agreed but I’m sure I heard her mutter somewhere between the office and the parked car that, “he didn’t want to take a look at those things because he only wants another twenty dollar co-pay from us.”
Well, her patience paid off. On that subsequent visit, after the doctor explained that they were going to have to drill a Jupiter sized hole in my skull and remove large portions of brain matter that would leave me in a vegetative state for all eternity, he then rather cheerfully said, “ Oh, and lets take care of a few of those spots on your head.”

I swear, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my wife pump her fist in the air and then heard a whispered shout, “Yes!”

Now, when I was a boy, no one ever told me that a few searing sunburns each summer would eventually lead to skin cancer when I was older. So, I would run, romp and play unprotected under the atomic radioactive blast we call the sun throughout the pleasant month’s of freedom and joy.

I never should have made fun in school of those kids whose mom’s had more foresight and made their children wear asbestos suits when they went out to play. And the grief I gave this one child because his mom always made him carry around an umbrella to shade him from the sun’s death rays. It’s a wonder I can even sleep at night. That umbrella though was always a hindrance when it came to sports… or assemblies… or dating.

So, when the doctor announced that he wanted to biopsy two spots then freeze a few others I agreed to be a good patient. His nurse came in and said she was going to numb me up first. Good idea I thought. Then she started to stick the syringe several times around the spots to be biopsied. “You’re not allergic to lidocaine are you?” she asked as an afterthought.

“We’ll all find out in a minute, won’t we?” I replied.

There’s not much fat to absorb the pain of a shot in the forehead…only a thin layer of skin to use in a wrinkled brow to protect the skull. So, those nerves are close to the syringe impact site. The nurse told me that this would sting a little. Yea, it stung like a herd of hornets.

She would then tap, poke and stab the numbed sites to make sure these were sufficiently anesthetized. “Can you feel that?” she’d ask. Since I wasn’t responding I obviously wasn’t feeling it. “Ha,” the nurse said. “Now, you can be called a numbskull.”

I’m sure she had been waiting for years to spring that little joke on someone who wouldn’t feel like kicking her.

The doctor then took a plug from each side of my forehead that he felt were suspect and placed them into a small jar. The little skin pellets slowly sank to the bottom of the container with a thin strand of blood trailing each. It reminded me of the ribbons gymnasts in the Olympics use to prance around with. You know, that event you never see televised.

Then the doctor pulled out his freeze ray gun. It reminded me of an oil can. “You will probably feel a burning sensation as I freeze these other areas,” he explained.

Doctors have a class in med school that teaches them all the synonyms for pain. Words like sensation, feeling or discomfort. Sometimes they’ll use words to describe pain like poke, sting, or burning. But they always avoid the word pain. Sort of like the banker that doesn’t use the word debt or the businessman that uses the word agreement instead of contract. All meant to soften the “pain.”

Using his fingers to skim over my forehead to locate danger spots like a blind man reading Braile, the doctor began his assault. You would expect a freezing sensation to feel different than burning but, each time he spayed an area it felt like hot lava was being poured onto my skin.

I winced, I grimaced, I screamed for mercy. All to no avail. The doctor even commented on the funny faces I was making. “I’ll show you a funny face,” I thought as I closed my eyes tighter and tried to go to a happy place in my mind. But each time the happy place came it was quickly evaporated with another stinging, burning, pain to the head.

Relief came as the doctor announced he thought he had gotten them all. He sounded pleased. I looked over to my wife for comfort and support. She had a strange grin on her face and I swear, as we walked through the waiting room I saw her, out of the corner of my eye, pump her fist in the air and then heard her in a muffled yell, “yes!”

Things I learned during my trip to Utah

• Hard work and no play can kill you.
• A Hyundai Sonata is a very nice car.
• The music on XM radio stations repeat after a few hours.
• Chipmunks make a crunchy popping sound when the car tire rolls over them.
• Heather and Brittany are beautiful women.
• Brittany really can cook a roast in the crock pot.
• Clay cracks me up.
• I think every son in law should address his father in law as President.
• I will miss not having the opportunity for a young man to ask for permission to marry one of my daughters any more. Ran out of daughters.
• Heather looks radiant.
• Brittany looks pregnant.
• I learned that an event can quickly change your entire life and you don’t even see it coming.
• That several hours of my life and mind are missing.
• A seizure is very violent.
• Dazed and confused is not my happy place.
• Any sudden jerky movement I make can freak my wife out.
• I know how to get instant attention from my wife.
• I learned how much people care about me and my family.
• I’m pretty feisty when people try to poke and prod me.
• I’ll never fake a seizure again whenever I see pulsating lights.
• Use a Krispy Kreme donut, not ammonia, to revive me when I’ve passed out.
• I’m grateful for a son in law who is a “minute man” priesthood holder.
• Jan really likes mint covered brownies from BYU’s bakery.
• I always lose at the candy bar game. Why is it that first time players usually always win?
• Jason was smart to share part of his Symphony Bar with his future mother in law. Very smart…
• When I find digestive biscuits with the chocolate on top like I had in Ireland it’s like Christmas morning.
• Five Guys Burgers and Fries in Utah is bigger than in Scranton and they still serve an over abundance of the greasy potatoes with your burger. My best discovery this summer.
• The “This is the Place” monument hasn’t changed from the last time I saw it.
• I really like going to a BYU football game.
• Brittany is a great face painter. Figures, since she’s been applying her own makeup since she was 8.
• I was disappointed that BYU didn’t do the “Haka” chant prior to their football game.
• I usually “haka” when I first get up in the morning or when I breathe in smoky air.
• I learned that word travels fast in the family, ward and work.
• I learned that the word that travels fast is usually very inaccurate.
• Give Jan a nice new car to drive and she can drive far.

Things I learned during our trip to Scranton

• No matter how much you convince yourself that a “red eye” flight won’t have an effect on you, don’t believe it. One can not really sleep on a plane. The seats don’t recline far enough to support a limp sleepy head so the head flops to and fro like a broken clock pendulum. We tried to head off this problem by bringing our U shaped neck pillows that make you look like you have whiplash. That helped a little but when I relax my mouth opens, and a little bit of drool slithers down my chin.

The other problem was that the man who sat next to me was across the aisle from his wife. He had some hearing problems so when his wife would speak he would reply with a loud sharp “HUHHH” that was so evasive I incorporated it into my dreams. It got so that his wife would automatically begin to repeat what she said before he even “Huhhed” her.

• Planes still scare me.

• I’ll never go to use the bathroom on a flight.

• My definition of turbulence is any time the plane shakes, makes a roaring noise, or the stewardess bumps my seat with her drink cart. My wife’s definition is that turbulence only occurs if the plane plunges downward or rockets upward 5,000 feet at a time. Compare it to a “roller coaster ride.” Roller coasters scare me.

• Roller coasters should be replaced by the flat, straight and safe “moving sidewalks” found in airports. The other thing I learned is that when I hold my hands high over my head on the moving walkway and scream people look at me funny.

• Don’t stop moving the day after a “red eye.” As soon as I sat down I would fall asleep.

• A piñata can be anything or shape as long as it has stuff to eat in it, hangs by a rope and someone says it’s a piñata. A piñata could be a stuffed pork roast, a glass jar or a cylinder shaped used oatmeal container. Take a guess at which one we took our swings at.

• Always keep your eye on a blindfolded four year old with a bat in her hand who is swinging wildly at a bobbing pork roast used as a piñata. I joke about the pork roast. I’m still picking out the glass shards. Very clever, Christina!

• If you arrive on “Sisters Day” you’d better bring gifts.

• Be careful where you sit in Jordan and Christina’s Toyota Corolla. Melted crayons in the seat can create rainbows on your back side.

• Little girls can spot a “spidey” or the smallest insect or anything similar from distances of 2 miles away.

• Jordan steals firewood,

• Jordan and Christina do a great “Celtic Thunder” impersonation. Please ask for a copy.

• When I go camping rain is guaranteed, sleep will not come, and someone will forget the syrup.

• Factory stores for chocolate should be on every street corner in the United States.

• Tortillas with peanut butter aren’t that bad.

• The messiest desk and office usually belongs to the house keeping manager.

• They say humidity is like stepping out of the shower. I say humidity is actually like being in the shower.

• You’ve got to see a movie in the new Cinemark theaters in Scranton. Plush seats, great view.

• Christina makes great dinners.

• Tyrone and Uniqua are cool.

• Scranton has a Mifflen street. No Dunder.

• Call Jordan and Christina often. It’s the only way they can find their phone.

• Indiana Jones would love to excavate beneath their couch cushions.

• When one is confused just say “Recalculating” over and over. It will help you get your bearings.

• Pennsylvania is beautiful. Small farms with colonial style farm houses.

• New York City isn’t so scary.

• The Statue of Liberty is statuesque.

• The Twin Towers were huge.

• The Empire State Building doesn’t look as tall as in the movies.

• The smells of New York combine to form a recipe of scents from sweaty people, garbage, food cooking from the street restaurants, and exhaust. Few breezes seem to reach the streets below the skyscraper canyons.

• There is an eon’s long war in the streets of New York between taxi drivers and pedestrians.

• Taxi drivers really do yell at other drivers/people, honk before they brake and seldom speak English.

• The grass in Central Park is worn out like a carpet in a highly trafficked hall way.

• Grandpa and granddaughter dates at McDonald’s for breakfast are priceless.

• Hayley can really chow down the pancakes. I wonder where she gets that ability from.

• You have to earn your hugs and kisses from Tia. But they are worth it.

• Philadelphia seems to be a beautiful city.

• A philly cheesesteak sandwich is only authentic if it has Velveeta, provolone or cheese whiz on it. Funny because I’ve never really considered any of those to be real cheese. Ours was from a hole in the wall diner and was gooey and delicious.

• The Liberty Bell really is cracked.

• It seemed a little odd to me that foreign vacationers wanted to visit Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell and other American heritage sites.

• Philadelphia Water Ice is very refreshing. Water Ice is a very unoriginal name for a Hawaiian Ice type of refreshment. I mean, what else is ice?

• I miss my granddaughters and their parents.