Happy Year!

I know it’s been awhile since I did anything on this blog. I’ve been updating and reworking a favorite family Christmas story that I have plans for submitting for publication soon and just hadn’t felt creative in the blog sphere. Also I began coming off some medication I’ve been taking for several years and the withdrawals left me murky minded.

Which brings me all to this:

In November I passed my 30^th year of working at the newspaper. Now, that’s a long time and why anyone would work at the same place for that long is questionable. Our advertising staff is divided into three teams. Each team includes several sales people and an assistant. When it was mentioned I’d been here for 30 years several of my team mates quickly responded they hadn’t been born yet when I started. In fact, only one other sales rep of the five on our team was earthbound when I began my first day of work and he was in diapers. Am I really that old?

Getting older is funny; it’s something that happens to everyone else. Jan and I enjoy a daily comic strip named “Pickles.” The strip is described as: “Pickles tells the story of Earl and Opal Pickles as they enjoy their golden years surrounded by friends and family.” Yeah, that doesn’t sound funny but the comic can sometimes be hilarious. Jan and I used to think the characters acted like our parents. Now, we’ve recently discovered the characters are acting like us.

A few days ago Jan was sharing one of the strips with me. She read, “Opal says: “Earl, are you wearing your hearing aid?” Jan quips, “I don’t remember the man’s name but this character reminds me of your dad.” I quickly responded, “Do you mean you don’t remember Earl’s name? You just read it, Jan!” (It was very early in the morning and I was still half asleep, Jan explains.) It was my nature to rub that memory lapse wound deeply for the rest of the day.

Monday Jan, her sister Jeanne and I went to see War Horse. Standing in line I overheard one ticket buyer mention she was a purchasing tickets for two seniors. I don’t mind being older if it will save a buck so I wondered how old I needed to be to receive the discount. It was 62 so I’m still too young for some things.

The theater was filling quickly but we found seats in the last row. Soon after we sat down two teenage brothers came in and stated they needed 5 seats. So, one brother left the seat next to me open while he settled in next to it. His brother quickly pointed out that he needed to scoot all the way down. In his words, “Sit in the chair next to the old guy.” I turned and looked down the aisle toward the whippersnapper.

“Did you just call me an old guy?” I asked incredulously. Now, I had a smile on my face while I said this but the fact I called him out on his comment really flabbergasted the young ‘un. He almost crawled in humility toward me, begging for my forgiveness. “Did you know I asked if I could get the senior discount ticket and they wouldn’t even give it to me? How can I be an “old guy” when I don’t even qualify for the senior discount?”

He begged for forgiveness again, explaining he didn’t mean what he said and that he didn’t know what he was talking about. I guess my knife had plunged deep enough so I just shook my head and waved him off as I laughed.

I’ve decided to drop all age/time adjectives from my vocabulary. So, my holiday greeting for this weekend is “Happy Year!”

“How tweet it is…”(quote from Jackie Gleason, sort of)

I just read the results of the Teen Choice Awards that aired last night (Sunday, August 7^th ). Apparently teens vote for their favorite singers, movies, actors, songs etc. I hope the winners don’t reflect actual teenage intellect. A couple of movies that won were “Bad Teacher’ and Hangover II”, both rated R and very nasty. Favorite TV show and several TV actor awards went to “Jersey Shore”; a reality show where those in it aren’t really even acting.

I don’t know much about Twitter but with all this technology it seems someone should have caught and corrected this category. Justin Beiber won for the Favorite Twit category. Maybe that was supposed to be “Tweet”. According to dictionary.com (one of my favorite places on the web; no, really!) a twit is defined as: an insignificant or bothersome person. I’ve used the word slanderously at times.

I think that’s the only teen choice they got right.

We just got home from our third trip to Utah this year. You know this is a 12 hour trip so there’s a lot of time to ponder significant subjects. Unfortunately, nothing comes to mind.

Why do I always, and I mean always, have to honk the horn when going through a tunnel? I don’t remember Dad doing this. It’s not in the driver’s manual. I never hear the bleat of another horn in the tunnel. There’s no sign saying “When traveling deeply inside the depths of this tunnel make sure to honk your horn.” I haven’t figured that out yet.

We drive through several small towns on the trip; Denio, Beatty, Bly, Dairy, Adel. I don’t recall seeing a single person in any of these towns. None rocking on the front porch, no kids playing, no one backing out of a driveway. Absolutely no one. Maybe the rundown houses and stores are just movie props or the residents were sucked up by alien spacecraft. Or, there’s always the government conspiracy theory. Actually, they’re all probably tuned in watching Jersey Shore and listening to the music of that Twit Justin Beiber.

When Jan and I make these treks we pack supplies. We were taking Brittany and Maeli back to Utah so we brought significant provisions to get us through. We had carrots (two bags), grapes, a roll of Ritz Crackers, Mentos (both the fruity and mint kind), fruit snacks, boxed apple/pair juice, animal crackers (I still bite the heads off first), almonds, honey roasted peanuts, dried apricots (Jan’s), dried mangos, and several bottles of water-some frozen.

The grand marshal of the supply wagon is a 5 pound bag of peanut M&M’s. You can tell we’re prepared if we get stuck in snow drifts during August.

On the way home Jan was driving. I had an M&M crave so I reached for the bag on the back seat. The M&M’s came in a zip lock bag and Jan, having foreknowledge of her husband, also placed the bag of candy into another zip locked bag. Double bagged, double zip locked. I swear I grabbed the top of the bag but, like a piñata taking its last crushing blow, the bag exploded, sending blue, green, yellow, orange,red and brown egg shaped “melt in your mouth not in your hand” candy all over the interior of the car. Jan, startled by the detonation yelled “What are you doing?!!”

That was an appropriate question.

“I just wanted some M&M’s.” I explained sheepishly, “and something to do…” as I began to pick up a few of the spilled candies.

Jan gave further instructions, “You’d better pick ALL those up, and the ones you find are the ones you eat.”

I started shoving as many into my mouth as I could.

She added, “Why didn’t you pick them up by the top of the bag?"

“I thought I did... however, my last thought was, I hope I have these by the top of the bag because dumping them out would be….AHHHH!!”

I was able to save most of them due to quick reflexes.

I tried to put a positive spin on the accident: “sort of like confetti, wasn’t it? An exploding rainbow of color right here, right in the car. Magnificent, wasn’t it?”

She wasn’t buying it.

When we arrived home Jan brought in a bag that carried the spilled candy she’d picked up.

Holding the bag up she pointed at the candied shrapnel, “I picked up 120 of these. That’s not counting the ones you picked off the floor and stuffed in your mouth.”

I’m a little tired of eating 120 M&Ms; especially the ones with hair, carpet fuzz and dirt from who knows where. Hey, it’s not like you can wash them.

“Trite words are safe words”

We’re all guilty of it. We use phrases that have become cliché and really make no sense if we stop and think about it. We rely on these worn out expressions primarily because we’re either too lazy or uncreative to think of a different way to communicate our thoughts. So, in my opinion, here are a few phrases that can be better conveyed. Some of my suggestions will make you appear brilliant, and others, may get you in trouble.

Worn out term: “It is what it is….”

Often used when we’re informed of some blunder that’s already occurred. Usually accompanied with a shoulder shrug and raised eyebrows when stated. Instead, try these:

”There’s no control over what did or what is about to happen”; “We can’t do anything about it now”; “We’re doomed”; “Oh well”; “So what?”; “Like I care”; “That’s the way it goes”; “We’re going to be staked out in the desert and consumed by fire ants because of this.”

Worn out term: “Do you know what I mean?

We used to ask “you know?” at the end of a sentence as a filler while we formulated our next words. We really aren’t seeking feedback or testing the listener’s knowledge. Usually a phrase condenses over time. However, this term has expanded. There are better ways to express “do you know what I mean?’ Here they are:

“Do you comprehend that which I’m speaking?”; “Have you any thoughts regarding my end of the conversation?”; “Do you understand my linguistically brilliantly developed commentary?”; “Do you have any clue what I’m talking about?”; “ Can I have some feedback?”; “Nod your head once in a while so I know you’re awake?”; “Are you dead?”; “Can you feel the whispered vibrations of airwaves issuing from my pursing lips?”

Worn out term: “think outside the box.”

In an effort to encourage us to expand our thinking and to come up with more creative ways of doing things we’re often told to “Think outside the box”. What’s funny is the suggestion to think beyond the box is so unimaginative we are actually confined inside the box. So, I’ve left the box and wandered around the perimeters. Here’s a few alternatives:

“Think beyond boundaries”; “We need to think beyond the endless space of imagination”; “Think past the end of our nose”; “We must conceive that which may appear to be unattainable”; “We must creatively ponder about endless possibilities”; “We need to scribble outside the lines”; “Embrace the idea that there are other answers past our own.” “We need to ponder beyond yonder.” (That’s my personal favorite. Conveys the idea with few words. And, it rhymes!)

Finally, I come to business corporate jargon. In October, 2010 President Obama signed into law the “United States Plain Writing Law.” It requires all federal agencies to write in plain English instead of using judicial and legal terminology. It would be great to expand that idea to presidents and CEO’s of major corporations. Below is a sentence that could be uttered in any boardroom or press release from business leaders. I haven’t heard these words strung together as I’ve done but many of these terms have been used in various meetings. To be straight up I’m not sure if some of these words actually exist but, you’ll get my point.

“Let’s segue into the inevitable crevasse of integrated solutions with a key enabler that is restructuring oblated circular nuances that environ colaterated attainment of focused astuteness forged to assay synergistically monetized core competencies.”

Meaning: all your jobs are being outsourced to India

Have a great day! And remember to think outside the box, if you know what I mean, because after all, it is what it is.

Sleepless in Medford

It’s 2 am, Thursday morning. My fingers feel like slugs sliming across the sidewalk. My brain’s filled with cotton balls. My eyes sting because… they’re open. Later today I have one of those “procedures” I don’t usually discuss. Preparation for the testing requires me to be sleep deprived for my 12:30 appointment. By then I’ll be a zombie, bouncing off the hospital walls like a slow motion pinball.

The night is long so thought I’d watch some movies, search the web, run a few miles in my hooded sweatshirt. Probably not a good idea to be running through neighborhoods at 2 am in a hooded sweatshirt.

I turned to something easy. The TV. No wonder we sleep at night, there’s nothing on except paid programming, meaning hour long commercials selling products to the sleep deprived. I flicked through the TV listings provided by the Direct TV guide. Lots of these paid programs. I didn’t bother to look what the content of the program was so I drew my own conclusions from the titles. For example:

Magic Jack I thought was a story about an illusionist that makes your money disappear.

There were a few shows on babies; “Your Baby Can Read.” I think there was a recent article on this, declaring the commercial to be deceptive. Why do you want a baby to read? Don’t understand that one. If you have a problem with that there was the listing that was too long for the TV grid. It only stated, “Baby Bullet.” I was shocked at this one but discovered it’s an appliance that can make baby food. Why make parents whip up baby food? If baby can read have him review the instructions and puree the fruit and veggies.

Other programs taught “Kill Germs with Steam.” Steam works on ants too. I’ve done this one before. I could “Quit Smoking Today,” “Quit Your Job,” or have “Wealth Without Risk.

I could be instructed on “Cleaning Made Easy.” The “Spinning & Weight Loss” program was interesting. I wondered how twirling in circles in the living room can shed some poundage . I tried this. I only got dizzy.

I thought about developing brain functions by watching “New Math, New Mind” followed by “Stop Memory Loss.” I wanted to watch this one but couldn’t remember what channel it was on.

Personal communication problems can be resolved instantly by watching “1 Minute Miracle Make Up.” I can use this. If groveling for forgiveness can be done in only a minute I’m all for it.

I didn’t need to watch “Easy Hair Removal.” Think I got that one figured out.

I got winded reading listings for “Zumba Dance.” “Turbo Fire Workout” where your pants are torched and you jump around trying to extinguish the flames. It may prove interesting exercising with crazies during the “Insanity Workout.” Then there was “Carving Abs in Bed.” No comment.

There were shows that preyed on our physical self-esteem issues: “Summer Sexy Abs,” “Sexy Swimsuit Body,” and “Look Sexy in Jeans.” This was appropriately followed by “Stop Your Anxiety and Depression.”

The last program offered “Free Slippers.” That reminded me I was sleep deprived. I want a doughnut.