Expiration Dates

As we opened the tomb of the ancient Pharaoh, aged dust swirled in the beams of our flashlights. Digging through the dark crypt we noticed jars of food placed in orderly rows around the sarcophagus. Gingerly picking up the containers we analyzed the packaging.

“Hey, look at this,” I shouted to Jan from the back of the bottom cupboard.

Wow, this is ancient!”

Crawling from the tight, dark confines I handed Jan the can.

“Oh, no.” She was disappointed this can could have been in the cupboard for so long.

“This has an expiration date of March 2004.”

Curious, I asked,” “I wonder what’s really growing in that can of peaches?”

We continued the excavation, finding cans of fruit, beans, tomato sauce and salsa all with expiration dates long passed. Some were so old the date had disappeared.

We also extracted boxes of brownie, cake and banana bread mixes. These dates weren’t any newer. Shaking one of the boxes I remarked to Jan, “Just think of the history these things have seen” Our kids were just babies when we bought these.”

Luckily, we didn’t eat anything hiding in the dusty cans and boxes. When grocery shopping I learned a long time ago to check expiration dates, particularly on items that are on sale. For example, last week our favorite bread was half price. I looked at the front row of bread and saw the expiration date was just a few days away. So, I pawed to the back of the rack and found a loaf with a much later expire date.

Brittany still maintains that when Jordan and Christina invited her over as a young BYU freshman for dinner they made a big batch of stroganoff. She wondered why they intensely watched her take the first few bites. It wasn’t until later Jordan confessed they used an expired container of sour cream and were watching the young coed to see if she’d double over before they ate along with her.

Sometimes expiration dates don’t tell the whole story. A few weeks ago we had spaghetti for dinner. I had been saving some of the unused sauce to spread on a homemade pizza crust. I showed Jan my find in the back of the refrigerator. She questioned how long it had been around. Yes, it had been sitting in the fridge for awhile but I proved to her it was still good by dipping my finger several times and licking off the savory sauce. Jan wasn’t convinced, threw out the old sauce and made her own blend instead.

The pizza was just great. I leaned back in my chair, feeling fat and happy. Suddenly my stomach began twisting and cramping. I barely made it to the bathroom in time. It wasn’t the pizza that made me sick. It was the saucy appetizer. Naturally, Jan didn’t let me live that down, or up as the case might be.

Instead of an expiration date I like the phrase on some perishable items that says “Best if Used by_______” That leaves it open ended and gives me hope that even though the date has passed, that maybe, just maybe it’s still OK.

Why aren’t expiration dates placed on other consumer goods? Nothing lasts forever. We were told that an LCD TV lasts up to 25,000 hours. If you watched TV 24 hours a day that equates to 1,041 days or nearly 3 years. Shouldn’t that information be disclosed with “TV expires on….”

Or, what about expiration disclaimers on clothes, appliances, furniture or even cars? Scientific studies are done that pull, push, squish and twist products to determine how sturdy and durable they are.

Lastly, how about people? There have been some scary science fiction stories written about that. I wonder when my” best if used “ date would be. I like to think I haven’t reached that yet. However if I’m past that expiration date I don’t want to know, certainly I don’t want that information disclosed to others. I don’t want to be discarded at some recycle plant or poked down the garbage disposal with a wooden spoon. Oh, that’s grizzly.

New Year Notes

It’s New Year’s morning, 2010. Last night we watched “Angels and Demons”. This was a sequel to the movie “The DaVinci Code” ……. not a term used in conjunction with babysitting the grandchildren.

Sacrificing additional sleep I turned on the TV at 7am and watched the Rose parade to pay homage to my mother. Mom always loved this parade. In fact, it was the main reason given why we eventually bought a color TV. It’s hard to believe Mom enjoyed watching this parade even though all the floats she was so excited with were in black and white.She always wanted to go to Pasadena to see if the flowers were really in various shades of grey or if they were, as NBC promised, “In Living Color.” I watch to perhaps catch a glimpse of Mom standing street side, cradling a huge bouquet of ruby red roses in her arms, eyes large with wonder as the spectacle of colors pass.

With the New Year comes renewed energy devoted to setting goals. Seems to me those who want us to set goals don’t issue this invitation because they really care. They want the goal flounderers to help them achieve their corporate objective of getting as much money as they can guilt out of us this year. We need to lose weight, become wealthier, be more organized, be happier or in more control with our lives, enhance relationships and take the pill that will ease our lives despite most of the ad is filled with disclaimers describing harm the pill will do if taken.

I’ve heard the phrase, “A goal not written is only a wish” so many times that I’ve set a goal to promote a law that if this repetitive cliché is mentioned again the offender will be tied to a pole and forced to listen to that Mexican soccer broadcaster yell “Gooooooaaaaallll! 24/7. I’ll begin movement on that resolution as soon as I can find some time to write that down.

Frankly, 2009 was a tough year. But there were some great things that happened: another grand daughter, Dad’s 90^th birthday that again reunited the family for a few hours. Trips to Lincoln, Nebraska, Las Vegas, San Diego and Utah, camping and jet boating with daughters and their spouses, all culminating in a grand crescendo of chaos with having all children and their families home for Christmas.

I wondered why I thought of “A Space Odyssey” connected with this year but realized that movie was “2001, A Space Odyssey.” However, I dug a little deeper and found another movie, “2010, The year we make contact.” This was the sequel to 2001 the movie where monkey-men throw bones at a huge domino embedded in earths prehistoric soil. 2001 also introduced us to the mutinied computer HAL that took control of the ship. I don’t remember a thing about the sequel other than it was “2010” According to movie review website IMDb the theatrical trailers catch line was, “Something wonderful is about to happen”.

Here’s hoping that the trailer is right, “2010, Something wonderful is about to happen.”

Make that a goal. You don’t need to write it down. I did it for you.