Yeah, I know…everyone has their own horrible stories to tell about their visit to dentist or doctor’s offices. You know what I’m talkin’ about; the dentist drilled so deeply into my tooth I thought he was trying to rescue Chilean miners. Or, the doctor probed me in places not even Homeland Security TSA’s would go.
I’ve even described some of my own experiences on this blog. Most based on truth but sometimes mildly seasoned exaggeration added. I sincerely apologize for the repeat performance but I thought what happened at my physical exam last week was pretty humorous, and, for the most part, absolutely true. That’s something you don’t get very often.
During my annual physical the doctor always leaves some time for me to share my little aches and body gripes. His usual response is, “That’s nothing to be concerned about.” I don’t know why I bother to share.
As some of you know I take a medication that’s purpose is to slow the electric impulses of the brain. I told the doctor I’d love to get off this stuff because I don’t know if my memory clog is a result of this medication or if it’s just me.
The doctor told me they could do a simple memory test that would only take a few minutes. I agreed to that along with a tetanus booster shot.
A few minutes later the nurse comes in, gives me the shot, then sits in front of the computer. In case I’d forgotten she again told me this was a simple memory test that would take just a few minutes, and some of the questions would be very mundane.
The test began:
Nurse: “What day is it?”
I moved me head a little forward, and then tilted it up, looking at the ceiling.” That’s a real good question”, I said, stalling until I could figure this one out. “Monday! It’s Monday!” I wanted to high five the nurse and give her a chest bump like excited football players do but I’m sure the test would then immediately be over.
The nurse continued as she stared at the computer screen, asking a barrage of questions about the year, what building was I in, my wife’s name…
Then came a little harder question:
“I’m going to tell you a word, she explained, “then I want you to spell it backwards.”
All my life I’ve had difficultly spelling words forward so this was going to be a challenge.
She said the word and after a brief hesitation I replied, “d…e…l…l..o…r”
“Please spell that again.” She sounded a little concerned.
Rolled wasn’t a difficult word so I spelled it backwards again.. “d…e…l…l…o…r”
She turned to me, and with a firm voice told me, “The word is world, not rolled. Spell world backwards.”
I rolled my eyes and felt like an idiot.
A few questions later she handed me a pencil and some paper. “Ok, this is the last thing I’ll have you do” she instructed, “I want you to draw me two intersecting pentagons.”
I stared at the paper for a moment and began to draw a ten sided geometric shape. “I’m a little embarrassed “ I admitted to the nurse. “It’s been awhile since I’ve had geography. How many sides does a pentagon have?”
The nurse’s forehead furrowed, “ I’m sure you mean geometry and a pentagon has five sides.”
I could feel my bald head turning hues of bright red as I focused on the drawing. My pentagons looked like the wheels on the Flintstone’s car.
I didn’t have the courage to ask the nurse how I did as she walked out of the room.
She returned a few minutes later with a bag of saline solution and a device that looked like a turkey baster. “The doctor wants your right ear irrigated.”
I’m sure the notes on my record read: Gave memory test, couldn’t tell if he has memory loss, hearing problems or if he’s a smart aleck.
I think I’m changing doctors.
