Doctors don't cause pain

My wife, being the economist that she is, wanted to save a few dollars on some of these doctor visits I’ve been making lately. “We need to get our moneys worth out of these appointments,” she would say. So, while the doctor is trying to determine if I’m going to live or die, Jan begins to point out all the little bodily things that need fixed while Greg is in the medical clinic repair shop.

She points out this spot on my head that should be taken a look at or that toenail that looks like it should be removed and burned before the fungus takes over the city. She wants to know what can be done about the soreness in my back because I’m not of much use around the house, or the doctor must look in my ears because she swears I’m going deaf.

During our first visit that Jan was pointing these things out the doctor wisely told her, “Let’s take care of the current problem during this visit then we can look at those other things in a subsequent appointment.”

She agreed but I’m sure I heard her mutter somewhere between the office and the parked car that, “he didn’t want to take a look at those things because he only wants another twenty dollar co-pay from us.”
Well, her patience paid off. On that subsequent visit, after the doctor explained that they were going to have to drill a Jupiter sized hole in my skull and remove large portions of brain matter that would leave me in a vegetative state for all eternity, he then rather cheerfully said, “ Oh, and lets take care of a few of those spots on your head.”

I swear, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my wife pump her fist in the air and then heard a whispered shout, “Yes!”

Now, when I was a boy, no one ever told me that a few searing sunburns each summer would eventually lead to skin cancer when I was older. So, I would run, romp and play unprotected under the atomic radioactive blast we call the sun throughout the pleasant month’s of freedom and joy.

I never should have made fun in school of those kids whose mom’s had more foresight and made their children wear asbestos suits when they went out to play. And the grief I gave this one child because his mom always made him carry around an umbrella to shade him from the sun’s death rays. It’s a wonder I can even sleep at night. That umbrella though was always a hindrance when it came to sports… or assemblies… or dating.

So, when the doctor announced that he wanted to biopsy two spots then freeze a few others I agreed to be a good patient. His nurse came in and said she was going to numb me up first. Good idea I thought. Then she started to stick the syringe several times around the spots to be biopsied. “You’re not allergic to lidocaine are you?” she asked as an afterthought.

“We’ll all find out in a minute, won’t we?” I replied.

There’s not much fat to absorb the pain of a shot in the forehead…only a thin layer of skin to use in a wrinkled brow to protect the skull. So, those nerves are close to the syringe impact site. The nurse told me that this would sting a little. Yea, it stung like a herd of hornets.

She would then tap, poke and stab the numbed sites to make sure these were sufficiently anesthetized. “Can you feel that?” she’d ask. Since I wasn’t responding I obviously wasn’t feeling it. “Ha,” the nurse said. “Now, you can be called a numbskull.”

I’m sure she had been waiting for years to spring that little joke on someone who wouldn’t feel like kicking her.

The doctor then took a plug from each side of my forehead that he felt were suspect and placed them into a small jar. The little skin pellets slowly sank to the bottom of the container with a thin strand of blood trailing each. It reminded me of the ribbons gymnasts in the Olympics use to prance around with. You know, that event you never see televised.

Then the doctor pulled out his freeze ray gun. It reminded me of an oil can. “You will probably feel a burning sensation as I freeze these other areas,” he explained.

Doctors have a class in med school that teaches them all the synonyms for pain. Words like sensation, feeling or discomfort. Sometimes they’ll use words to describe pain like poke, sting, or burning. But they always avoid the word pain. Sort of like the banker that doesn’t use the word debt or the businessman that uses the word agreement instead of contract. All meant to soften the “pain.”

Using his fingers to skim over my forehead to locate danger spots like a blind man reading Braile, the doctor began his assault. You would expect a freezing sensation to feel different than burning but, each time he spayed an area it felt like hot lava was being poured onto my skin.

I winced, I grimaced, I screamed for mercy. All to no avail. The doctor even commented on the funny faces I was making. “I’ll show you a funny face,” I thought as I closed my eyes tighter and tried to go to a happy place in my mind. But each time the happy place came it was quickly evaporated with another stinging, burning, pain to the head.

Relief came as the doctor announced he thought he had gotten them all. He sounded pleased. I looked over to my wife for comfort and support. She had a strange grin on her face and I swear, as we walked through the waiting room I saw her, out of the corner of my eye, pump her fist in the air and then heard her in a muffled yell, “yes!”

Things I learned during my trip to Utah

• Hard work and no play can kill you.
• A Hyundai Sonata is a very nice car.
• The music on XM radio stations repeat after a few hours.
• Chipmunks make a crunchy popping sound when the car tire rolls over them.
• Heather and Brittany are beautiful women.
• Brittany really can cook a roast in the crock pot.
• Clay cracks me up.
• I think every son in law should address his father in law as President.
• I will miss not having the opportunity for a young man to ask for permission to marry one of my daughters any more. Ran out of daughters.
• Heather looks radiant.
• Brittany looks pregnant.
• I learned that an event can quickly change your entire life and you don’t even see it coming.
• That several hours of my life and mind are missing.
• A seizure is very violent.
• Dazed and confused is not my happy place.
• Any sudden jerky movement I make can freak my wife out.
• I know how to get instant attention from my wife.
• I learned how much people care about me and my family.
• I’m pretty feisty when people try to poke and prod me.
• I’ll never fake a seizure again whenever I see pulsating lights.
• Use a Krispy Kreme donut, not ammonia, to revive me when I’ve passed out.
• I’m grateful for a son in law who is a “minute man” priesthood holder.
• Jan really likes mint covered brownies from BYU’s bakery.
• I always lose at the candy bar game. Why is it that first time players usually always win?
• Jason was smart to share part of his Symphony Bar with his future mother in law. Very smart…
• When I find digestive biscuits with the chocolate on top like I had in Ireland it’s like Christmas morning.
• Five Guys Burgers and Fries in Utah is bigger than in Scranton and they still serve an over abundance of the greasy potatoes with your burger. My best discovery this summer.
• The “This is the Place” monument hasn’t changed from the last time I saw it.
• I really like going to a BYU football game.
• Brittany is a great face painter. Figures, since she’s been applying her own makeup since she was 8.
• I was disappointed that BYU didn’t do the “Haka” chant prior to their football game.
• I usually “haka” when I first get up in the morning or when I breathe in smoky air.
• I learned that word travels fast in the family, ward and work.
• I learned that the word that travels fast is usually very inaccurate.
• Give Jan a nice new car to drive and she can drive far.

Things I learned during our trip to Scranton

• No matter how much you convince yourself that a “red eye” flight won’t have an effect on you, don’t believe it. One can not really sleep on a plane. The seats don’t recline far enough to support a limp sleepy head so the head flops to and fro like a broken clock pendulum. We tried to head off this problem by bringing our U shaped neck pillows that make you look like you have whiplash. That helped a little but when I relax my mouth opens, and a little bit of drool slithers down my chin.

The other problem was that the man who sat next to me was across the aisle from his wife. He had some hearing problems so when his wife would speak he would reply with a loud sharp “HUHHH” that was so evasive I incorporated it into my dreams. It got so that his wife would automatically begin to repeat what she said before he even “Huhhed” her.

• Planes still scare me.

• I’ll never go to use the bathroom on a flight.

• My definition of turbulence is any time the plane shakes, makes a roaring noise, or the stewardess bumps my seat with her drink cart. My wife’s definition is that turbulence only occurs if the plane plunges downward or rockets upward 5,000 feet at a time. Compare it to a “roller coaster ride.” Roller coasters scare me.

• Roller coasters should be replaced by the flat, straight and safe “moving sidewalks” found in airports. The other thing I learned is that when I hold my hands high over my head on the moving walkway and scream people look at me funny.

• Don’t stop moving the day after a “red eye.” As soon as I sat down I would fall asleep.

• A piñata can be anything or shape as long as it has stuff to eat in it, hangs by a rope and someone says it’s a piñata. A piñata could be a stuffed pork roast, a glass jar or a cylinder shaped used oatmeal container. Take a guess at which one we took our swings at.

• Always keep your eye on a blindfolded four year old with a bat in her hand who is swinging wildly at a bobbing pork roast used as a piñata. I joke about the pork roast. I’m still picking out the glass shards. Very clever, Christina!

• If you arrive on “Sisters Day” you’d better bring gifts.

• Be careful where you sit in Jordan and Christina’s Toyota Corolla. Melted crayons in the seat can create rainbows on your back side.

• Little girls can spot a “spidey” or the smallest insect or anything similar from distances of 2 miles away.

• Jordan steals firewood,

• Jordan and Christina do a great “Celtic Thunder” impersonation. Please ask for a copy.

• When I go camping rain is guaranteed, sleep will not come, and someone will forget the syrup.

• Factory stores for chocolate should be on every street corner in the United States.

• Tortillas with peanut butter aren’t that bad.

• The messiest desk and office usually belongs to the house keeping manager.

• They say humidity is like stepping out of the shower. I say humidity is actually like being in the shower.

• You’ve got to see a movie in the new Cinemark theaters in Scranton. Plush seats, great view.

• Christina makes great dinners.

• Tyrone and Uniqua are cool.

• Scranton has a Mifflen street. No Dunder.

• Call Jordan and Christina often. It’s the only way they can find their phone.

• Indiana Jones would love to excavate beneath their couch cushions.

• When one is confused just say “Recalculating” over and over. It will help you get your bearings.

• Pennsylvania is beautiful. Small farms with colonial style farm houses.

• New York City isn’t so scary.

• The Statue of Liberty is statuesque.

• The Twin Towers were huge.

• The Empire State Building doesn’t look as tall as in the movies.

• The smells of New York combine to form a recipe of scents from sweaty people, garbage, food cooking from the street restaurants, and exhaust. Few breezes seem to reach the streets below the skyscraper canyons.

• There is an eon’s long war in the streets of New York between taxi drivers and pedestrians.

• Taxi drivers really do yell at other drivers/people, honk before they brake and seldom speak English.

• The grass in Central Park is worn out like a carpet in a highly trafficked hall way.

• Grandpa and granddaughter dates at McDonald’s for breakfast are priceless.

• Hayley can really chow down the pancakes. I wonder where she gets that ability from.

• You have to earn your hugs and kisses from Tia. But they are worth it.

• Philadelphia seems to be a beautiful city.

• A philly cheesesteak sandwich is only authentic if it has Velveeta, provolone or cheese whiz on it. Funny because I’ve never really considered any of those to be real cheese. Ours was from a hole in the wall diner and was gooey and delicious.

• The Liberty Bell really is cracked.

• It seemed a little odd to me that foreign vacationers wanted to visit Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell and other American heritage sites.

• Philadelphia Water Ice is very refreshing. Water Ice is a very unoriginal name for a Hawaiian Ice type of refreshment. I mean, what else is ice?

• I miss my granddaughters and their parents.