Friday, April 23rd was our 33rd anniversary. The 33rd year is rather odd. Sort of right in the middle and doesn’t sound as impressive as 30 or 35 years. So, I thought this would be a good time to share my multi years of experience with fellow husbands. If these suggestions are followed you will have a happy wife and a happy life. I realize this could be suicidal but here’s what I’ve learned from being married for 33 years.
When your wife is in the middle of hard labor delivering one of your precious children, don’t tell her you are tired, hungry, or wish she’d hurry up.
If the impossible happens and you are right about something, never jump around the room shouting, “I am the man!” or “I just schooled you!”
When playing a neighborhood game of whiffle ball on the front lawn, if you are pitching, hold the ball until your wife passes. Realize that Whiffle balls are "radared" right to your wife’s head.
Never tell your wife the carpet needs vacuumed, the floor needs sweeping, the toilet needs scrubbing. Be prepared to be shown the vacuum, handed the broom and struck with the toilet brush.
When your wife is driving be sure to never offer any driving advice. Enough said…
Also regarding driving, always turn where she says to turn, stop when she says stop, and don’t complain no matter how far off course you might end up.
Always change the baby’s diapers, feed and bathe them. Your wife might need to do the same for you when you are older. That’s when you hope she remembers how gentle you were with your babies.
If the toilet seat is left up don’t blame the dog.
Always say “excuse me” after a burp. Better yet, don’t burp.
Always let your wife handle the money. But, take it back immediately after she’s done touching it.
Root for Mr. Darcy, cheer for Jacob the werewolf, and don’t tell her every good looking male movie star is gay.
Even if you didn’t hear her, don’t make up answers to your wife’s questions.
You will never need to make another decision when buying clothes. She will buy them all for you. After all, you are dressing for her.
Don’t leave your shoes in the middle of the living room. Her feet will trip over them.
When watching a movie, dab your eyes occasionally with a tissue during the tender parts. Yeah, you’ve got her then.
Finally, always love her, treat her like royalty and realize she really is the boss.
2 comments:
Happy anniversary! Jan has trained you well.
I'll make sure J reads this.
Hope you had a wonderful anniversary!
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