Sleepless in Medford

It’s 2 am, Thursday morning. My fingers feel like slugs sliming across the sidewalk. My brain’s filled with cotton balls. My eyes sting because… they’re open. Later today I have one of those “procedures” I don’t usually discuss. Preparation for the testing requires me to be sleep deprived for my 12:30 appointment. By then I’ll be a zombie, bouncing off the hospital walls like a slow motion pinball.

The night is long so thought I’d watch some movies, search the web, run a few miles in my hooded sweatshirt. Probably not a good idea to be running through neighborhoods at 2 am in a hooded sweatshirt.

I turned to something easy. The TV. No wonder we sleep at night, there’s nothing on except paid programming, meaning hour long commercials selling products to the sleep deprived. I flicked through the TV listings provided by the Direct TV guide. Lots of these paid programs. I didn’t bother to look what the content of the program was so I drew my own conclusions from the titles. For example:

Magic Jack I thought was a story about an illusionist that makes your money disappear.

There were a few shows on babies; “Your Baby Can Read.” I think there was a recent article on this, declaring the commercial to be deceptive. Why do you want a baby to read? Don’t understand that one. If you have a problem with that there was the listing that was too long for the TV grid. It only stated, “Baby Bullet.” I was shocked at this one but discovered it’s an appliance that can make baby food. Why make parents whip up baby food? If baby can read have him review the instructions and puree the fruit and veggies.

Other programs taught “Kill Germs with Steam.” Steam works on ants too. I’ve done this one before. I could “Quit Smoking Today,” “Quit Your Job,” or have “Wealth Without Risk.

I could be instructed on “Cleaning Made Easy.” The “Spinning & Weight Loss” program was interesting. I wondered how twirling in circles in the living room can shed some poundage . I tried this. I only got dizzy.

I thought about developing brain functions by watching “New Math, New Mind” followed by “Stop Memory Loss.” I wanted to watch this one but couldn’t remember what channel it was on.

Personal communication problems can be resolved instantly by watching “1 Minute Miracle Make Up.” I can use this. If groveling for forgiveness can be done in only a minute I’m all for it.

I didn’t need to watch “Easy Hair Removal.” Think I got that one figured out.

I got winded reading listings for “Zumba Dance.” “Turbo Fire Workout” where your pants are torched and you jump around trying to extinguish the flames. It may prove interesting exercising with crazies during the “Insanity Workout.” Then there was “Carving Abs in Bed.” No comment.

There were shows that preyed on our physical self-esteem issues: “Summer Sexy Abs,” “Sexy Swimsuit Body,” and “Look Sexy in Jeans.” This was appropriately followed by “Stop Your Anxiety and Depression.”

The last program offered “Free Slippers.” That reminded me I was sleep deprived. I want a doughnut.