“Fool me twice,…OK, I’ve been shamed!”

Sunday was our Stake Conference. The session didn’t start until 10 am but I had an early morning meeting to get to. I was to meet at the church at 7:30 am so the stake presidency could drive together to the Central Point Stake Center. The meeting would be with the other stake's leaders where we were to be taught more about our missionary responsibilities.

I awoke with plenty of time. According to the clock it was only 6 am so I laid in bed for several minutes thinking about what I would do prior to the meeting. I’d get up, shower, other stuff, and, since I probably wouldn’t be home until around 2 that afternoon, I thought a good hearty stack of pancakes would help tide me over quite nicely.

As I talked a little with Jan about the upcoming conference session I noticed the blinds in the bedroom seemed to have some light coming in behind them. Light? There shouldn’t be any light. I looked at the clock again. 6:15 am. Just the day before I had been out jogging around 6:45 am and there was no light. I began to panic. Oh no! It’s déjà vu all over again! I remembered a year ago getting up, taking my time to get to a meeting then discovering that modern technology hadn’t listened to or cared much about the act of Congress that set the switch to standard from daylight savings time a week later.

Our alarm clocks were set to automatically switch to standard time each fall then back to daylight savings time in the spring. Trouble is that I don’t remember that these clocks do this all on their own without consulting us.

I jumped out of bed and ran to the front door to get the paper. The sun was beginning to rise behind Roxy Ann. I quickly began checking all the other clocks in the house. They all read 7:15 am. Nothing gets the blood that’s settled in your back side flowing like realizing you not only are not going to get your pancakes, you only have 15 minutes to get ready for a church meeting.

I ran down the hall, stopping at the hall closet to grab a couple of towels. Even in a panic I was still thinking of my wife. (The extra towel was for her.) I fumbled for the shaving cream and then hastily applied the foam to my face. Gasping for air I discovered I’d covered both nostrils with the shaving cream. Poking holes with my finger where I thought the nose should be I guided my triple bladed razor over my face just like a Ferrari takes to the winding roads of the Italian Alps. I went so fast that I’d thought I’d shaved my eye off but realized it was just soap that caused the eye to sting and not an amputation.

At this point my drowsy little wife asked what was going on. My staccato reply as I sprinted into the shower went something like: “Clocks-fall-back-too-soon!AHHHHH!!!”

With water pouring from the shower head I jumped in and began to sling soap as quickly as I could. I was going fast! I was amazed at how quickly this was going even if there is more to me to hose off than in years past. The lack of hair makes the shampooing quicker and shortens up the difference I suppose. Grabbing for the towel I accidently dumped the towel for my wife into the garbage, (sorry Jan). Semi dry and totally stressed I combed the hair (singular) and began putting on my clothes as if I was a fireman getting dressed while the third alarm sounded.

I didn’t know if the shoes matched or if the tie was on backwards but I was flyin’! Racing out the door I prayed the car that hadn’t been driven in two months would get me to the church on time. It started so I backed up and I was off. I kept glancing at my watch. President Woodley wanted to leave by 7:40 and I was pushing time like never before. Screeching into the parking lot the Woodley van was running with the back up lights on. I leapt from the car and flung the van door open with such power it about knocked my teeth out.

Time on the van clock? 7:41!

I wondered why I couldn’t get ready this fast all the time. It was quite the rush. This sudden surge of adrenaline power was greater than any triple mocha espresso could ever give. I had discovered a new power aid…it’s called late.

Halfway to Halloween?

Our last post was the end of September and here we are nearly half way through October already! What has been going on? We took a quick trip to Utah again for General Conference last weekend. Thanks to Joe and Kelly for letting us hitch a ride, it was a lot of fun and I didn't have to drive at all. One of the rental car commercials says "Leave the driving to us" and that 's what we did. We took off around 4:00AM Friday morning and arrived that night at the Hampton Inn where Joe and Kelly were staying.
Heather and Jason picked us up Friday evening and took us down to Orem to stay with Brittany and Clay (which I must admit made me just a little nervous considering our last stay in August-not wanting any repeat performances or early morning ER visit by ambulance in Provo, if you know what I mean.)
We got a call from Brittany on the way down saying that she had been sick with a fever off and on the past few days and had been instructed that if it spiked again she was to report to Labor and Delivery at the Orem hospital to check things out. She was laying on the couch when we arrived, feverish and definitely not feeling well. She was really burning up. Within minutes Clay, Brittany, and I were on our way to the hospital. (What is it with Utah and hospitals lately?) It was kind of exciting thinking that this is where Brittany will deliver in a few more months, but too soon for now.
The nurses hooked Brittany up to fetal monitors and tried to draw blood for lab work, but her veins weren't very cooperative. She seems to have spaghetti veins that dodge out of the way of the needle. Three different attempts up and down her left arm left Brittany feeling like a pin cushion and the nurses frustrated before they finally tried her right arm, which was successful. I told her don't even bother offering her left arm anymore, it just doesn't work. We spent several hours in labor and delivery while they checked her out and hooked her up to an IV drip to treat her for dehydration, then sent her on to ER to have a doctor check on the pain she has been having just below her rib cage. She thought it was a pulled muscle, although the ER doc was treating her for bronchitis and gastritis. By the time we left the hospital for home it was nearly 2AM Saturday morning and I had been wearing my contact lenses for nearly 21 hours straight. We were exhausted and all ready for bed. Good thing we didn't have tickets for the Saturday morning session, we would have missed getting there on time.
Heather and Jason came down Saturday morning and we prepared a great General Conference breakfast with blueberry muffins, bacon, juice, pancakes and hash browns. We watched Saturday's sessions from Clay and Brittany's apartment. Dad took us to Applebee's after the afternoon session and Clay, Dad and Jason attended the Priesthood Session from the chapel just up the hill from Brittany and Clay's. Heather, Brittany, and I watched a chick flick while they were gone: "Sleepless in Seattle." I had wanted to see it since Dad and I actually saw the Empire State Building while in New York City with Jordan and Christina's family this summer.
Sunday morning we were out the door extremely early to make it to Music and the Spoken Word before the Sunday morning session of General Conference. And it was pouring down rain. I wasn't prepared for the change of weather. Good thing Brittany had a gray jacket she could let me wear which helped keep the rain off me. As usual, it is always a bit of a challenge to find a parking space around the Conference Center, Clay and Dad finally let Brittany and I out on the west side while they continued to search for a parking spot. Heather and Jason were meeting us there.
Our stake had tickets for the balcony on the left side (nosebleed section). And was the first time the entire stake presidency had attended a General Conference session there together. What a treat! Watching conference there is different from watching it on tv because there are a lot of behind the scenes you would most likely miss from tv, like the audible countdown before the broadcast begins. I noticed a lot of the choir members get their wiggles out right before the recording begins to cough or adjust their hair or just brush their hand across their face. There is kind of a buzz or hum as people enter and find their seats, greeting friends and family with anticipation, but when President Monson entered the Conference Center the entire audience immediately and reverently fell silent. It was amazing how quiet the Conference Center was then. Our Stake President Woodley said if they can do that with 21,000 people in the Conference Center, surely we can do that with 300 or so in attendance at our ward meetings.
We only had tickets for the Sunday morning session so when that session was over we went back to the car for sandwiches and snacks. To our surprise, it was no longer raining and the sun had come out, hooray! Our family went to see the Reflections of Christ exhibit in the Joseph Smith Memorial Building between sessions and then stayed to catch the last session of October General Conference from the Legacy Theater, where we had nice comfortable seats and more room than we had in the morning. Too soon conference was over and we had to say goodbye to Heather and Jason. When they come out next month, it will be right before their wedding! Clay and Brittany took us bright and early Monday morning to meet Joe and Kelly in Salt Lake for the ride back home to Oregon. It was a quick weekend, but a wonderful trip! And the best part will be all of our children coming home to be here for Heather and Jason's sealing next month! Can't wait to see you all then!

Doctors don't cause pain

My wife, being the economist that she is, wanted to save a few dollars on some of these doctor visits I’ve been making lately. “We need to get our moneys worth out of these appointments,” she would say. So, while the doctor is trying to determine if I’m going to live or die, Jan begins to point out all the little bodily things that need fixed while Greg is in the medical clinic repair shop.

She points out this spot on my head that should be taken a look at or that toenail that looks like it should be removed and burned before the fungus takes over the city. She wants to know what can be done about the soreness in my back because I’m not of much use around the house, or the doctor must look in my ears because she swears I’m going deaf.

During our first visit that Jan was pointing these things out the doctor wisely told her, “Let’s take care of the current problem during this visit then we can look at those other things in a subsequent appointment.”

She agreed but I’m sure I heard her mutter somewhere between the office and the parked car that, “he didn’t want to take a look at those things because he only wants another twenty dollar co-pay from us.”
Well, her patience paid off. On that subsequent visit, after the doctor explained that they were going to have to drill a Jupiter sized hole in my skull and remove large portions of brain matter that would leave me in a vegetative state for all eternity, he then rather cheerfully said, “ Oh, and lets take care of a few of those spots on your head.”

I swear, out of the corner of my eye, I saw my wife pump her fist in the air and then heard a whispered shout, “Yes!”

Now, when I was a boy, no one ever told me that a few searing sunburns each summer would eventually lead to skin cancer when I was older. So, I would run, romp and play unprotected under the atomic radioactive blast we call the sun throughout the pleasant month’s of freedom and joy.

I never should have made fun in school of those kids whose mom’s had more foresight and made their children wear asbestos suits when they went out to play. And the grief I gave this one child because his mom always made him carry around an umbrella to shade him from the sun’s death rays. It’s a wonder I can even sleep at night. That umbrella though was always a hindrance when it came to sports… or assemblies… or dating.

So, when the doctor announced that he wanted to biopsy two spots then freeze a few others I agreed to be a good patient. His nurse came in and said she was going to numb me up first. Good idea I thought. Then she started to stick the syringe several times around the spots to be biopsied. “You’re not allergic to lidocaine are you?” she asked as an afterthought.

“We’ll all find out in a minute, won’t we?” I replied.

There’s not much fat to absorb the pain of a shot in the forehead…only a thin layer of skin to use in a wrinkled brow to protect the skull. So, those nerves are close to the syringe impact site. The nurse told me that this would sting a little. Yea, it stung like a herd of hornets.

She would then tap, poke and stab the numbed sites to make sure these were sufficiently anesthetized. “Can you feel that?” she’d ask. Since I wasn’t responding I obviously wasn’t feeling it. “Ha,” the nurse said. “Now, you can be called a numbskull.”

I’m sure she had been waiting for years to spring that little joke on someone who wouldn’t feel like kicking her.

The doctor then took a plug from each side of my forehead that he felt were suspect and placed them into a small jar. The little skin pellets slowly sank to the bottom of the container with a thin strand of blood trailing each. It reminded me of the ribbons gymnasts in the Olympics use to prance around with. You know, that event you never see televised.

Then the doctor pulled out his freeze ray gun. It reminded me of an oil can. “You will probably feel a burning sensation as I freeze these other areas,” he explained.

Doctors have a class in med school that teaches them all the synonyms for pain. Words like sensation, feeling or discomfort. Sometimes they’ll use words to describe pain like poke, sting, or burning. But they always avoid the word pain. Sort of like the banker that doesn’t use the word debt or the businessman that uses the word agreement instead of contract. All meant to soften the “pain.”

Using his fingers to skim over my forehead to locate danger spots like a blind man reading Braile, the doctor began his assault. You would expect a freezing sensation to feel different than burning but, each time he spayed an area it felt like hot lava was being poured onto my skin.

I winced, I grimaced, I screamed for mercy. All to no avail. The doctor even commented on the funny faces I was making. “I’ll show you a funny face,” I thought as I closed my eyes tighter and tried to go to a happy place in my mind. But each time the happy place came it was quickly evaporated with another stinging, burning, pain to the head.

Relief came as the doctor announced he thought he had gotten them all. He sounded pleased. I looked over to my wife for comfort and support. She had a strange grin on her face and I swear, as we walked through the waiting room I saw her, out of the corner of my eye, pump her fist in the air and then heard her in a muffled yell, “yes!”

Things I learned during my trip to Utah

• Hard work and no play can kill you.
• A Hyundai Sonata is a very nice car.
• The music on XM radio stations repeat after a few hours.
• Chipmunks make a crunchy popping sound when the car tire rolls over them.
• Heather and Brittany are beautiful women.
• Brittany really can cook a roast in the crock pot.
• Clay cracks me up.
• I think every son in law should address his father in law as President.
• I will miss not having the opportunity for a young man to ask for permission to marry one of my daughters any more. Ran out of daughters.
• Heather looks radiant.
• Brittany looks pregnant.
• I learned that an event can quickly change your entire life and you don’t even see it coming.
• That several hours of my life and mind are missing.
• A seizure is very violent.
• Dazed and confused is not my happy place.
• Any sudden jerky movement I make can freak my wife out.
• I know how to get instant attention from my wife.
• I learned how much people care about me and my family.
• I’m pretty feisty when people try to poke and prod me.
• I’ll never fake a seizure again whenever I see pulsating lights.
• Use a Krispy Kreme donut, not ammonia, to revive me when I’ve passed out.
• I’m grateful for a son in law who is a “minute man” priesthood holder.
• Jan really likes mint covered brownies from BYU’s bakery.
• I always lose at the candy bar game. Why is it that first time players usually always win?
• Jason was smart to share part of his Symphony Bar with his future mother in law. Very smart…
• When I find digestive biscuits with the chocolate on top like I had in Ireland it’s like Christmas morning.
• Five Guys Burgers and Fries in Utah is bigger than in Scranton and they still serve an over abundance of the greasy potatoes with your burger. My best discovery this summer.
• The “This is the Place” monument hasn’t changed from the last time I saw it.
• I really like going to a BYU football game.
• Brittany is a great face painter. Figures, since she’s been applying her own makeup since she was 8.
• I was disappointed that BYU didn’t do the “Haka” chant prior to their football game.
• I usually “haka” when I first get up in the morning or when I breathe in smoky air.
• I learned that word travels fast in the family, ward and work.
• I learned that the word that travels fast is usually very inaccurate.
• Give Jan a nice new car to drive and she can drive far.

Things I learned during our trip to Scranton

• No matter how much you convince yourself that a “red eye” flight won’t have an effect on you, don’t believe it. One can not really sleep on a plane. The seats don’t recline far enough to support a limp sleepy head so the head flops to and fro like a broken clock pendulum. We tried to head off this problem by bringing our U shaped neck pillows that make you look like you have whiplash. That helped a little but when I relax my mouth opens, and a little bit of drool slithers down my chin.

The other problem was that the man who sat next to me was across the aisle from his wife. He had some hearing problems so when his wife would speak he would reply with a loud sharp “HUHHH” that was so evasive I incorporated it into my dreams. It got so that his wife would automatically begin to repeat what she said before he even “Huhhed” her.

• Planes still scare me.

• I’ll never go to use the bathroom on a flight.

• My definition of turbulence is any time the plane shakes, makes a roaring noise, or the stewardess bumps my seat with her drink cart. My wife’s definition is that turbulence only occurs if the plane plunges downward or rockets upward 5,000 feet at a time. Compare it to a “roller coaster ride.” Roller coasters scare me.

• Roller coasters should be replaced by the flat, straight and safe “moving sidewalks” found in airports. The other thing I learned is that when I hold my hands high over my head on the moving walkway and scream people look at me funny.

• Don’t stop moving the day after a “red eye.” As soon as I sat down I would fall asleep.

• A piñata can be anything or shape as long as it has stuff to eat in it, hangs by a rope and someone says it’s a piñata. A piñata could be a stuffed pork roast, a glass jar or a cylinder shaped used oatmeal container. Take a guess at which one we took our swings at.

• Always keep your eye on a blindfolded four year old with a bat in her hand who is swinging wildly at a bobbing pork roast used as a piñata. I joke about the pork roast. I’m still picking out the glass shards. Very clever, Christina!

• If you arrive on “Sisters Day” you’d better bring gifts.

• Be careful where you sit in Jordan and Christina’s Toyota Corolla. Melted crayons in the seat can create rainbows on your back side.

• Little girls can spot a “spidey” or the smallest insect or anything similar from distances of 2 miles away.

• Jordan steals firewood,

• Jordan and Christina do a great “Celtic Thunder” impersonation. Please ask for a copy.

• When I go camping rain is guaranteed, sleep will not come, and someone will forget the syrup.

• Factory stores for chocolate should be on every street corner in the United States.

• Tortillas with peanut butter aren’t that bad.

• The messiest desk and office usually belongs to the house keeping manager.

• They say humidity is like stepping out of the shower. I say humidity is actually like being in the shower.

• You’ve got to see a movie in the new Cinemark theaters in Scranton. Plush seats, great view.

• Christina makes great dinners.

• Tyrone and Uniqua are cool.

• Scranton has a Mifflen street. No Dunder.

• Call Jordan and Christina often. It’s the only way they can find their phone.

• Indiana Jones would love to excavate beneath their couch cushions.

• When one is confused just say “Recalculating” over and over. It will help you get your bearings.

• Pennsylvania is beautiful. Small farms with colonial style farm houses.

• New York City isn’t so scary.

• The Statue of Liberty is statuesque.

• The Twin Towers were huge.

• The Empire State Building doesn’t look as tall as in the movies.

• The smells of New York combine to form a recipe of scents from sweaty people, garbage, food cooking from the street restaurants, and exhaust. Few breezes seem to reach the streets below the skyscraper canyons.

• There is an eon’s long war in the streets of New York between taxi drivers and pedestrians.

• Taxi drivers really do yell at other drivers/people, honk before they brake and seldom speak English.

• The grass in Central Park is worn out like a carpet in a highly trafficked hall way.

• Grandpa and granddaughter dates at McDonald’s for breakfast are priceless.

• Hayley can really chow down the pancakes. I wonder where she gets that ability from.

• You have to earn your hugs and kisses from Tia. But they are worth it.

• Philadelphia seems to be a beautiful city.

• A philly cheesesteak sandwich is only authentic if it has Velveeta, provolone or cheese whiz on it. Funny because I’ve never really considered any of those to be real cheese. Ours was from a hole in the wall diner and was gooey and delicious.

• The Liberty Bell really is cracked.

• It seemed a little odd to me that foreign vacationers wanted to visit Independence Hall, the Liberty Bell and other American heritage sites.

• Philadelphia Water Ice is very refreshing. Water Ice is a very unoriginal name for a Hawaiian Ice type of refreshment. I mean, what else is ice?

• I miss my granddaughters and their parents.